This morning (and actually over the past several weeks now), I was struggling with what God was doing and I was struggling with persevering (e.g. – see also here, here, here, here and here.) Once again I began wondering if my time was done. I had no desire to write, no desire to do much of anything, for that matter. I had nothing more to give. I had nothing. I even got to the point where I considered shutting down my blogs and going into a hole somewhere. I wondered if God was done with me, for I do know it is true that He does have certain seasons of ministry for certain people. I had reached just about the lowest depths of unbelief…yet not too low to call out to Him once more:

After that I tried (in vain) to take hold of His promises, to regain my footing, to recapture the vision. I finally laid my head down on the table and rested (fitfully).

A while later I got out some lunch and pulled off the printer a couple articles I’d printed out last night from Reformation and Revival Fellowship, which I’d been intending to read for a few days now. The first article was “Revival in William Williams’ Time” by Eifion Evans, which included a short excerpt from William Williams’ book, “The Experience Meeting: An Introduction to the Welsh Societies of the Evangelical Awakening” which I first read last December and have been meaning to begin rereading…

As soon as I started reading the article, I went back to the bedroom and snatched up my copy of Williams’ book and read the greater context of the excerpt:

    This is the way the Lord worked in that part of the world.  One time, there were just a few of us, professing believers, gathered together, cold and unbelievably dead, in a meeting which we called a special service, so discouraged as to doubt whether we should ever meet again, some who were usually absent from every meeting, some in a deadly apathy, with nothing to say of God nor of their own souls, some given over to the world and its cares, some backslidden completely from all the means of grace and the ordinances of the gospel, some given over to the flesh and its lusts, as in the days of Noah––seeking a wife, seeking a husband, marrying and giving in marriage––and I myself well nigh disheartened and thinking often of coming to live in warmer spiritual climes, and moving my tent from Ur of the Chaldees nearer to the borders of the Promised Land.  But, even though all things were as I have described them––the world, the flesh and Satan victorious––these special services were yet conducted in an incredibly lifeless manner. There was no encouragement for anyone to carry on the work, save only the promise of God, that wherever two or three coming together in His name, if their purpose were right, however lifeless their present state, He would come to them and bless them.  This alone had made us come together to pray; but our prayers were not much more than groans.

    But at last, forced by cowardice, unbelief and the onslaughts of Satan, we resolved to give up our special meeting: and now we were about to offer a final prayer, fully intending never again to meet thus in fellowship. But it is when man reaches the lowest depths of unbelief that God imparts faith, and when man has failed, then God reveals Himself.  So here, with us in such dire straits, on the brink of despair, with the door shut on every hope of success, God Himself entered into our midst, and the light of day from on high dawned upon us; for one of the brethren––yes, the most timid of us all, the one who was strongest in his belief that God would never visit us––  while in prayer, was stirred in his spirit and laid hold powerfully on heaven, as one who would never let go.  His tongue spoke unusual words, his voice was raised, his spirit was aflame, he pleaded, he cried to God, he struggled, he wrestled in earnest, like Jacob, in the agony of his soul.  The fire took hold of others––all were awakened, the coldest to the most heedless took hold and were warmed; into the battle, with him we laid hold upon God, His attributes, His Word and His promises, resolving that we would never let go on our hold until all our desire should be satisfied.

   And this came to pass, for there fell upon us the sweet breath of the love of the Lord.  We were filled as if with the fulness of the bowls and the horns of the altar––the fire was kindled and we gave voice with our tongues.  The cloud melted away, the sun shone, we drank of the fruit of the vines of the promised land, and we were made to rejoice.  Gone was unbelief––gone guilt––gone fear––gone a timid, cowardly spirit, lack of love, envy, suspicion, together with all the poisonous worms that tormented us before; and in their place came love, faith, hope, a joyful spirit, with a glorious multitude of the graces of the Holy Spirit.  Up till now the service was only beginning, for prayer, singing, praise and blessing were redoubled, and no one felt like bringing things to an end; and now some were weeping, some praising, some singing, some filled with heavenly laughter, and all full of wonder and love and amazement at the Lord’s work––to my mind like the time of the Apostles, when the Spirit descended from on high on a handful of fearful people, and strengthened them mightily to come out of their secret hiding place into the midst of the streets of Jerusalem, and to declare the Name of the Lord before every tribe, tongue and nation that had gathered together there, from the uttermost parts of the earth. As it was then, so it was here now.

    This sound went forth and was spread from parish to parish and from village to village, until innumerable people were carrying around the burning word–men and youths, women and children. Preachers, too, came to us from all parts, having heard at a distance rumours of these workings of God… (8-9)

cold and unbelievably dead…Yes, that’d be me.

discouraged as to doubt whether we should ever meet again…Yes, that’d be me.

in a deadly apathy, with nothing to say of God nor of their own souls…Yes, that’d be me.

I myself well nigh disheartened…Yes, that’d be me.

the onslaughts of Satan…Yes, that’d be me.

poisonous worms that tormented…Yes, that’d be me.

the lowest depths of unbelief…Yes, that’d be me.

man has failed…Yes, that’d be me.

about to offer a final prayer…Yes, that’d be me.

in such dire straits, on the brink of despair, with the door shut on every hope of success…Yes, that’d be me.

There was no encouragement for anyone to carry on the work…Yes, that’d be me.

I will say that I’ve known these things in great and greater measure over the past several weeks. I’m not exaggerating this.

Doubt after doubt has piled up upon me, much like shovelful upon shovelful of dirt being tossed upon a dead body lying motionless and breathless in a closed casket. Shut in, with no hope of escape. No light. No oxygen. No nothing. Nothing.

Now and again there would be a little glimmer of sunshine. A gasp of wind. A short reprieve.

But then another shovelful of dirt would come.

And then the darkness was darker. The deadness was deader.

And another shovelful.

Even worse.

And so on.

This downward spiral has continued for some time now. Then this morning another shovelful of dirt fell upon me in that casket. I was all but resolved to give up. I wondered if I was supposed to. The dreams – gone. The vision – gone. The hope – gone. The desire – gone. The interest – gone. The faith – gone. The joy – gone. I will say that nothing in particular happened to precipitate this. In fact, I had a wonderful unexpected word of encouragement via a phone call last night.

What I do know is that a cloud has been descending for some time now and earlier today had firmly planted itself … but this was not the heaven-sent bright cloud of Shekinah glory cloud – but rather a dark cloud of doom and despair, which was earthly, sensual and demonic. (And I will say I know a couple of you have spoken to me of similar experiences as well.)

But it is when man reaches the lowest depths of unbelief that God imparts faith, and when man has failed, then God reveals Himself.  So here, with us in such dire straits, on the brink of despair, with the door shut on every hope of success, God Himself entered into our midst, and the light of day from on high dawned upon us…

In the lowest depths of my unbelief . . .

God imparted faith…
God revealed Himself…
God Himself entered into my midst, and the light of day from on high dawned upon me…

God answered my desperate prayer. He sweetly sent a drop for me today from that fountain…

That entrance, that drop was in the form of that article which led me to pick up and read Williams’ words and see once again the glorious possibilities God has for us as His children if we persevere in meeting together and seeking His face together.

We have got to hold onto the Lord and His promises to us no matter what, no matter how we might feel, no matter what we might see – for we know our Lord never fails to be gracious and merciful to His people:

He waits to be gracious.
He exalts Himself to show mercy to us.
He is a God of justice.
We are blessed as we wait for Him.
We shall weep no more.
He will surely be gracious to us at the sound of our cry.
As soon as we cry, He answers us.

As soon as we cry, He answers us…

Yet the answer comes in His time. God’s purpose in waiting is that He might be highly exalted. His answers to our cries are divinely timed and orchestrated for His glory to be displayed in the greatest way possible.

So though the Lord will give us the bread of adversity and the water of affliction for a time . . .

May God give us sufficient grace to wait on Him as He waits to be gracious to us. May He strengthen our grip so we might grab hold of Him and His promises and keep holding on to the hem of His garment. May He strengthen our arms to wrestle with Him until He blesses us. May He open our mouths so we might not keep silent and we might take no rest nor give Him rest. That . . .

If God has set us as watchmen – to speak to the Lord on behalf of His Church and for the Lord to speak to His Church – we can trust He will work in us to will and to do of His good pleasure and keep us persevering in that work.

One reason I began this blog was because I could see the vital need for us to come together to support one another (please see here and here for more of my thoughts on that). We have got to keep meeting together and holding one another up in prayer as well as praying God would lead us to others locally who are also burdened for the Church – because during those times when even all of us are cold and even all of us are a faint flicker, we can trust that God will rend the heavens and rain down fire to inflame the spirit of one of us so the fire might be kindled, take hold of us and warm the rest of us . . . and then warm others besides us:

while in prayer, was stirred in his spirit and laid hold powerfully on heaven, as one who would never let go.  His tongue spoke unusual words, his voice was raised, his spirit was aflame, he pleaded, he cried to God, he struggled, he wrestled in earnest, like Jacob, in the agony of his soul.  The fire took hold of others––all were awakened, the coldest to the most heedless took hold and were warmed; into the battle, with him we laid hold upon God, His attributes, His Word and His promises, resolving that we would never let go on our hold until all our desire should be satisfied...

the fire was kindled…The cloud melted away, the sun shone, we drank of the fruit of the vines of the promised land, and we were made to rejoice.

This sound went forth and was spread from parish to parish and from village to village, until innumerable people were carrying around the burning word–men and youths, women and children. Preachers, too, came to us from all parts, having heard at a distance rumours of these workings of God…

Ecclesiastes 4:9  Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10  For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! 11  Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? 12  And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

I will leave you with a final quote from Williams regarding the formation of such groups of believers to encourage, strengthen and support one another:

Anytime the people of God gather together in His Name for His glory, to be about His business, to contend for the Gospel, the lion is sure to be prowling and seeking an opportune time to harass, taunt, weaken, discourage and divide the flock. Let’s not forsake the assembling together, my brothers and sisters. I thank you for allowing me to share my blessings and burdens with you. I thank you for your prayers for me. I would be privileged to do the same for you.

Yours in Christ, contending with You for the Gospel, seeking His face for revival,
Romans 11:36,
Karen

Dear friends in Christ,

Thank you to all of you who have been praying for me. (See my last update/prayer requests.)

I thank God that He has refreshed my soul. He has done that in numerous ways.

I had wonderful worship w/ some old friends over the weekend and then fellowship with some friends from our old church.

I’ve picked up in reading Iain Murray’s “Revival and Revivalism,” as well as rereading “George Whitefield’s Journals.” As soon as you begin to read things like that, your mind gets set once again on heavenly things and things of earth grow strangely dim. That has renewed and refueled my vision and passion to pray for revival and to continue to blog meaty stuff here.

I’ve continued to be blessed by the study of John in our BSF class. I only returned there in March and I am amazed (though shouldn’t really be) at how God is showing me so much new in those last chapters in John.

I love being outside and we have had a wonderful spring here, probably one of the earliest and nicest since I moved here in 1981. Walking and just sitting and reading/praying/contemplating/listening to music is a tonic to my soul. This is one of my favorite spots where I like to sit. It’s in a park about a mile from home. I walked there today… 

This second picture is a photo not from that same park, but from the UW-Arboretum…

I realized once again today how I must make time to worship with music daily. Though I listen to music a lot of the time, I must take time to really focus on the words and on the Lord and worship, just worship, rather than multi-task.

Finally, if you have unconfessed sin or are struggling with sin, you cannot have the joy of the Lord He intends. But once you recognize that sin and confess it and begin to do battle, the joy begins to flow. I had some sins and fears to deal with and God has helped me to come through those. (I’ve written about some of that here, here, here and here.) Once again I was dealing with my lust for public praise and needing to make war with that. I also have some things I’ve been contemplating about ministry which at first I found daunting, but God has allowed me to settle in and trust Him in those and ponder them in my heart for the time being and trust Him to show me what I need to know when I need to know it and to know that He never gives us more than He equips us to do.

I find it quite ironic that later on the same day I posted about making war on my desire for public recognition, TheologiansCafe rec’d my post Praying for Revelife (and your own blog). (I’d pulsed a link to that post earlier in the evening due to some concerns a fellow sister in Christ was having w/ Revelife; she rec’d it and TheoDan saw it and the rest is history…)

So, please, please, my friends, hit me over the head when I start to babble some sort of nonsense about recognition, etc., etc. (Or at least pray for me! Then hit me!) Recognition comes with its own headaches…I found that out again this time around, plus I thought I’d already learned my lesson last fall with the Revelife-Calvinism flap. *sigh* No different that James and John, am I?

As much as I am joking here, I do know this is an ongoing struggle for me. And I hate it. So I am trusting God will help me to glory in Him and rejoice in Him more and more and not to concern myself about the rest (Psalm 131). God is never going to bless my writing if I have mixed motives. I very much appreciate your prayers. I do know that over the past few days God has given me some sweet unexpected fruit of behind-the-scenes ministry to single souls. There is so much joy there! To see a single sheep lifted up by my words is so, so wonderful! There is way, way more joy in that than having 99 people visit one of my posts.

In addition to the requests I gave previously, tonight I’m asking you to pray for clear leading in my blogging on my naphtali_deer site. I will tell you that I have about 100 private posts there. Some of them will always stay private and some of them were already converted into public posts, but a vast majority are posts I’d begun at one time or another and put aside intending to post publicly eventually. It seems that with every day, I have ideas for at least a couple more blogs as well. Needless to say, this can be overwhelming at times. I really need ears to hear God’s voice so I might know what to post about on a particular day. I don’t want to be driven by the calendar or what I’m reading in Xanga/Revelife community or what’s happening there, and yet there are times I should be writing to do so.

Here are a few things I would like to write about and/or are in the queue:

Anyhow, there’s some of the list. I’m putting them down here, so I might actually remember…

Perhaps there’s something else God might have for me. I’m trusting He would show me that.

There are also some things I’d like to post here re: my vision for this site. I hope to do that soon, D.V.

If you have prayer requests you would like to share publicly here, please feel free to do so; otherwise, you can message them to me. My prayer is that we might encourage one another by our words here as well as uphold each other in prayer. Thank you for your friendship and fellowship in Christ.

Yours in Christ,
Karen

 
I read George Whitefield’s Journals last year and have wanted to reread them (I’ve dabbled in them a bit since that time), but I did take them along with me on retreat last week (see here and here for more on my time away).

Luke Tyerman (quoted by Iain Murray in the Introduction to George Whitefield’s Journals, p. 19) wrote this about Whitefield:

After reading those words I wrote the following reflection/prayer in the margin and at the bottom of the page:

Amen.

So there I was praying in faith for half a dozen workers, trusting God to work through that small number…I thought that was a pretty strong prayer of faith…

But God showed me otherwise…

During one the services I attended while I was away, Scripture was read from Isaiah 51…

I had been asking the Lord for a half a dozen men and had been thinking that was a bold step of faith since in the big scheme of things half a dozen men is not very many, yet God rebuked and humbled me and reminded me all He needs is a single man. He doesn’t need half a dozen men! He needs but one!

Aren’t God’s ways and thoughts are higher than ours?

We think (I think, anyhow) we certainly need more than one. We think (I think, anyhow) we need half a dozen men (or more, often many more). I continue to fall into the trap that we need more, more, more. More people to pray. More people to preach the Word. More. More. Grrr!

Is anything too hard for the Lord? No, of course not!

Can the Lord save by many or by few? Yes and yes!

Is not the Lord among His people wherever they go? Certainly yes!

Is the Lord’s arm shortened or His power diminished because the numbers of men He chooses to enlist in His work are small? No, of course not!

On a retreat last spring God pretty much reminded me of this very same thing as I read Joshua 3 and reflected on His call to Israel to step out in faith:

Once more I’ve been reminded of how small my view of God is, how puny my faith is, and how I continue to limit God.

Did not God’s Spirit move and bless and multiply through a single soul like Abraham our father?

Did not God’s Spirit move and bless and multiply through a single soul, our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ?

Cannot God’s Spirit move and bless and multiply through a single one of us today?

I confess I find that hard to believe at times. (“O, Karen, ye of little faith!”)

Yesterday on my other blog I was reflecting on Kingdom vision and posted some quotes from David Livingstone (from Rob Mackenzie’s biography “David Livingstone: The Truth behind the Legend”). Here’s one of them:

I know Livingstone meant this in a different way, but my friends in Christ, aren’t we are that seed being sown, aren’t we that small stone…

Yes, it’s true that we are the least of all seeds now and we are a small stone now…seemingly insignificant in the eyes of men (and in our own eyes)…

However, because we are called by God and because we are filled with the Spirit of God … Will we not grow a mighty tree? Will we not fill the whole earth?

Has God not called us like He did Abraham … so He might bless and multiply us?

We see how we are so much like Abraham. Abraham was weak and powerless, his body was as good as dead and Sarah’s womb was barren (see the last part of Romans 4) and yet we see how he trusted God’s word and was justified by faith and lived by faith and God wrought through him a great nation, of which we are now a part by faith in Christ.

This is the same type of faith we’re to have in God and in the promises of God. Yes, we are as good as dead. Yes, we are the least of seeds now. Yes, we are the small stone now … Yes, that’s us. But what do we know about God? Is not our God is the God who gives life to the dead and calls into existence the things that do not exist. Romans 4:17.

Just as the Lord Jesus Christ was crucified, died, was buried and rose again from the dead to be the firstfruits of many creatures, so too we have been buried with Christ and raised by His resurrection power and filled with His Spirit so we might bear fruit to God – much fruit, fruit that will last (John 15). As we put to death our fleshly desires and live the life by His Spirit He intends, as we die to our own interests and live to His Kingdom interests, to seek to serve rather than be served, there is no doubt the Lord Christ will bear fruit through us (e.g.- see Romans 6). That is God’s intent for each of His children, not just the George Whitefields of the world, not just the ordained pastors, not just the worship leaders, etc., etc. If we are Christ’s joint-heirs, we cannot help but bear fruit like our Brother because we have His same fruit-bearing Spirit dwelling within us.

As Abraham was but one, we are but few when He calls us, but God’s intent has always been the same for His people: to bless us and multiply us and bear fruit through us throughout the whole earth! Was that not Jesus’ commission to us? Has our Lord not given us all we need to bear fruit as He commands?

Returning back to the title of this post…

Perhaps it is too many. Perhaps not. No matter. Let us ask our Lord first and foremost to circumcise each of our hearts by His Spirit so we might die to self to live to Him, to hate our lives in this world so we might keep them for eternal life, so we might bear much fruit to His glory. By His grace, may we trust His ways and His timing, knowing that He is working all things for His glory, whether it takes 30, 40 or 50 years or more, for we can be assured that He waits only so He might be highly exalted (Isaiah 30:18)! And, by His grace, may we (I) not limit Him but leave the numbers to Him! For indeed He doeth all things well, does He not?

If you have a burden and calling from God to pray for revival, please visit my website tent of meeting, dedicated to prayer for revival.

Related:

• blogging, view count, comments, numbers and the glory of God
• God uses men with “no outstanding abilities”
• Can anything good come out of Xanga?
• Bible Reading-Mark 4: (6) Kingdom-Obsessed People persevere in scattering seed
• do the work of a WHAT? eee – van – gel – ist! eeek!
• Bible Reading-Luke 5:1-11: Christ’s Sufficiency as We Fish
• the Master’s rebuke: O, ye of little faith

Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version, copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.