sin

  • In my contemplation | update 4/29/11

     
    O, my God
    In my contemplation
    O, my soul takes flight
    Ascends to Zion’s height

    O, how to show Your loveliness
    O, how to show Your life
    To all who took the fatal bite
    Enslaved by sin’s plight

    O, my God
    In my contemplation
    O, my soul takes flight
    Ascends to Zion’s height

    O how to show Your brightness
    O how to show Your delight
    To all who are joyless
    Downcast by sin’s plight

    O, my God,
    In my contemplation
    O, my soul takes flight
    Ascends to Zion’s height

    O, how to show Your splendor
    O, how to show Your light
    To all who are darkened
    Blinded by sin’s plight

    O, my God,
    In my contemplation
    O, my soul takes flight
    Ascends to Zion’s height

    O, Lord God
    In my contemplation
    O, my soul is weeping
    Behold! the city sleeping

    O, Lord God
    In my contemplation
    Souls are hungry
    Souls are thirsty

    O, Lord God
    In my contemplation
    Ears are stopped
    Eyes are blinded

    O, Lord God
    In my contemplation
    Sent to the wilderness
    I speak but am voiceless

    O, Lord God
    In my contemplation
    See the bones lying
    Aroma of souls dying

    O, my God
    In my contemplation
    Groaning, yearning
    Christ in my heart burning

    O, my God
    In my contemplation
    O, my tongue is silent
    Heavens above be rent

    O, my God
    In my contemplation
    Not one seed have I
    Hasten to the sower supply

    O, my God
    In my contemplation
    Loaves will you not lend
    To the sowers You send

    O, my God
    In my contemplation
    Pleading here below
    Celestial wine flow

    O, Lord God
    In my contemplation
    Be merciful to the holy nation
    For Your glory and celebration

    “The Lord furnish us all with spiritual food wherewith to feed so great multitudes.”
    George Whitefield’s Journals, Saturday, May 26, 1739



    Isaiah 55:10 …giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater…

    II Corinthians 9:10  He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness.

    Thank you for your continued prayers and encouragements. As of late I have found increasing challenges and powerful temptations, including many fears and doubts rising up in my mind in a hellish fashion. I don’t use the word “hellish” flippantly here or in an exaggerated manner. There is a battle going on for my own soul and the souls of men. But God has been faithful to meet me and strengthen me throughout. And so, once again today I am asking Him to supply what I cannot. Without Him we can do nothing. That is just not a nice Bible verse to memorize and regurgitate. It is not a trite cliché. It is the true reality of the Christian life. We have no life apart from Jesus Christ and His all-sufficient supplies.

    In God’s wonderful providence, as I’ve been led to focus in on Psalm 84 as a start to our women’s study (please see here for a little more on that), I’ve become even more keenly aware of the struggles we (I!) face on our Christian pilgrimage, as we (I) strive to make our (my) calling and election sure, to press onto the prize of the high calling.

    I love the whole Psalm, but here are some of my favorite verses (from the NKJV):

    5 Blessed is the man whose strength is in You,
             Whose heart is set on pilgrimage.
     6 As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
             They make it a spring;
             The rain also covers it with pools.
     7 They go from strength to strength;
             Each one appears before God in Zion.

    We need to continue to go back to our God – time and again – there is never a time we can stop doing so. That is our blessed privilege and calling as children of God who have been redeemed with the blood of the Lamb. We are wholly dependent on Christ for each and every step of our pilgrimage. After all, this is a spiritual pilgrimage and we are in need of spiritual supplies; earthly supplies simply will not do! They will not get us to the Celestial City! God alone is our strength and our life. He is everlasting strength and everlasting life. Apart from Him, we have no true strength and no true life. We will never be joyful or overflow with living water in the weeping and thirsty Valley of Baca unless we continue to go back to eat and drink of Christ. And if we are not eating and drinking as we ought, if we as Christians are not going from strength to strength, if we are not abiding in Christ, how will the joyless and thirsty souls in the world ever be drawn to Christ? We are sent into the dry and parched world so Christ’s living waters might bubble up from within us and flow out through us.

    John 7:37  On the last day of the feast, the great day, Jesus stood up and cried out, “If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. 38  Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.’” 39  Now this he said about the Spirit, whom those who believed in him were to receive, for as yet the Spirit had not been given, because Jesus was not yet glorified.

    If we aren’t drinking, how will the rivers flow?

    I wrote most of the above post about a week ago, but then put it aside. I “rediscovered” it this morning and noticed how it wonderfully expressed my heart’s cry today. Plus, I was especially excited to see how it flowed from the thoughts I’d posted yesterday on my other site in my post this earthly manna ~ the Christian hedonist’s plea. (I’ll probably repost it there sometime, but I know I’ve been remiss in giving you an update here and wanted to do so…even though I know there’s a pretty big overlap in my readers.) This morning I’d opened Whitefield’s Journals to read a bit and then came across his wonderful words which helped to tie it all together.

    May our God keep us hungry and thirsty for Him!

    I Samuel 2:5  Those who were full have hired themselves out for bread,
    but those who were hungry have ceased to hunger.

    Luke 1:53  …he has filled the hungry with good things,
    and the rich he has sent empty away.

    Accepted in and fed and filled by the Beloved,
    Karen

    Related:

    our insufficiency for ministry
    “Our bones are dried up, our hope is lost; we are clean cut off.” (Ezekiel 37:11)
    a famine of hearing the words of the LORD
    Where do you go when the world is unlovely? (Psalm 84 & the theology of Biblical counseling)
    the pilgrim’s Assurance ~ His Sovereign pouring | letter 110 on assurance & fighting for joy

  • “your heart is not right in the sight of God” – May I not waste God’s loving discipline

      
    “Luther says he never undertook fresh work, but that he was either visited with a fit of sickness, or some strong temptation. Prayer, meditation, and temptation are necessary accomplishments for every minister. May I follow him, as he did Christ.”

    –George Whitefield on Martin Luther, “George Whitefield’s Journals,” Sunday, Sept. 23, 1739, p. 335

    In the last few weeks I’ve been struggling as I’ve seen God uncovering the thoughts and intents of my heart, specifically His showing me my mixed motives for ministry as I’ve been trying to move forward in the opportunity God’s given to me in women’s ministry at our church (please see my last post here for more on that).

    For example:

    • my great love affair with self in contrast to my lack of love for others and for Christ

    • my sinful propensity toward envy and jealousy in ministry

    • my sinful desire for success (though there is a pure and Godly desire for success in ministry, this particular desire is impure and ungodly because it has been revolving around my fear of failing again, and it has caused me to doubt/shrink back)

    These are all things I’ve battled previously (and I realize they’re all really interrelated). But once again I must put on the whole armor of God and be intentional and make war on these sins.

    As John Owen said:

    “Be killing sin or it will be killing you.”

    There is no right moving forward with an evil heart, or a divided heart.

    Jeremiah 7:23  But this command I gave them: ‘Obey my voice, and I will be your God, and you shall be my people. And walk in all the way that I command you, that it may be well with you.’ 24  But they did not obey or incline their ear, but walked in their own counsels and the stubbornness of their evil hearts, and went backward and not forward.


    I’ve been foolish and have hewn and been drinking of the broken cisterns, and I’ve not been happy at all.

    When the heart is not right, we do not drink rightly. When we do not drink rightly, the heart is not right. Either way, we end up not happy. I want to be happy.  I am a Christian hedonist. There is no true joy at all apart from finding my joy in Christ. (All right, if you’re more comfortable with using the more sanctified-sounding words joyful or blessed in place of happy, you are welcome to do so.)

    The only true happiness comes when we drink of the Living Water, as George Whitefield wrote (Monday, Sept. 22, 1740, p. 461):

    “I drank of God’s pleasure as out of a river. Oh that all were made partakers of this living water, they would never thirst after the sensual pleasures of this world.”

    If I am drinking rightly, I will not drink from the well of selfishness but from the well of selflessness.

    If I am drinking rightly, I will not drink from the well of covetousness but from the well of contentment.

    If I am drinking rightly, I will not drink from the well of fear but from the well of faith.

    I felt somewhat like Whitefield did as he spoke about “sinning against so much light and love” (p. 334) for I have seen so much of God’s light and God’s love, therefore my sin seems all the more grievous and dark and despicable to me! I have drunk the Living Water and His joy, and yet here I was going back once again to drink from broken cisterns and stagnant water which only lead to heaviness and death.

    Saturday, September 22 [1739]. Underwent inexpressible agonies of soul for two or three days, at the remembrance of my sins, and the bitter consequences of them. All the while I was assured God has forgiven me; but I could not forgive myself for sinning against so much light and love. I felt something for that which Adam felt when turned out of Paradise; David, when he was convicted of adultery; and Peter, when with oaths and curses he had thrice denied his Master. At length, my Lord looked upon me, and with that look broke my rocky heart, and I wept bitterly. When in this condition, I wondered not at Peter’s running so slowly to the sepulchre, when loaded with the sense of his sin. Were I always to see myself such a sinner as I am, and as I did then, without seeing the Saviour of sinners, I should not be able to look up.

    This has all been building up in many ways, but this morning God’s sovereign mercies poured down from heaven on the dry ground of my heart as my Lord looked upon me as I was lying in bed. These words from Acts 8 (NKJV) came like a hammer smashing my deceitful, divided, hard and evil heart:

    your heart is not right in the sight of God

    Last night, not very long after I’d come to the point where I was saying, “I don’t even know what to pray,” I opened up Whitefield’s Journals and found these words of Whitefield, which mirrored that same sentiment (he wrote these on a prolonged ship’s journey across the Atlantic (Saturday, October 7, 1738, p. 168)):

    “But Lord, I know not what to pray for as I ought. Do with me as seemeth good in Thy sight.”

    Amen. Thanks be to our good and gracious God, who does for us what we don’t even know we need and does for us what we don’t even know how to ask!

    Surely He has done what seemed good in His sight, and what is good in His sight is always for our good. The chastening and discipline of the Lord is for His glory and is always for our good and our blessing.

    Now my prayer is that God will continue and complete the work He has begun in my heart…

    Job 5:17 Behold, blessed is the one whom God reproves;
    therefore despise not the discipline of the Almighty.

    18 For he wounds, but he binds up;
    he shatters, but his hands heal.

    Psalm 119
    33  Teach me, O LORD, the way of your statutes;
    and I will keep it to the end.
    34  Give me understanding, that I may keep your law
    and observe it with MY WHOLE HEART.
    35  Lead me in the path of your commandments,
    for I delight in it.
    36  INCLINE MY HEART TO YOUR TESTIMONIES
    AND NOT TO SELFISH GAIN!
    37  TURN MY EYES FROM LOOKING AT WORTHLESS THINGS;
    AND GIVE ME LIFE IN YOUR WAYS
    38  Confirm to your servant your promise,
    that you may be feared.
    39  Turn away the reproach that I dread,
    for your rules are good.
    40  Behold, I long for your precepts;
    in your righteousness give me life!

    Be THOU my vision . . .
    So long as self is my vision, I will not be happy.
    When You are my vision, I will be happy.

    * * *

    For the time being, I have to let God prepare the soil of my own heart before continuing on with any preparations for ministry work at our church.

    For those who are led to do so, I would appreciate your prayers for joy and patience for me at this time so God’s workings through this time of testing might accomplish His purpose, and so I might not be deceived and tell myself “Peace, peace!” or quickly daub the wall of my sinful heart with untempered mortar. May I not waste God’s loving discipline!

    James 1:2  Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3  for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
    Related:

    His sweetness in the great fish | update 3/16/2011
    on pilgrimage in the local church | update/prayer requests 3/21/2011
    My love affair . . . whose trumpet, whose glory & incomplete joy
    Lenten Reflections: Climbing (the minister’s descent)
    sin’s cold deception, my Father’s warm reception
    Are you keeping calm & carrying on? Do you react or respond? ~ Isaiah 7:1-9

  • His sweetness in the great fish | update 3/16/2011

     
    Previously I’d written that I felt like Jonah, put into a time of waiting over the past several months.

    On and off over the past several years, not just the last several months, I’ve felt like I’ve been in a great fish . . . much of that time was God’s loving discipline to me because of my own sinfulness and impetuousness, impatience, my stubbornness and unwillingness to trust and yield to Him in our last church.

    Jonah 2:3  For you cast me into the deep,
    into the heart of the seas,
    and the flood surrounded me;
    all your waves and your billows
    passed over me…



    10  And the LORD spoke to the fish, and it vomited Jonah out upon the dry land.


    And now, in God’s ordained way and time, like Jonah, I too am now being vomited out of the fish . . .

    I really do want to give you more of an update what God has been doing, but I have to say it really pales in comparison to His continuing persevering lovingkindness and mercies that followed me ALL the days of life, including all those days when I doubted and despaired, even those days when I questioned and shook my fist and my head at His workings.

    Psalm 23:6  (paraphrased)
    SURELY
    goodness and mercy
    HAS FOLLOWED me
    ALL the days of my life,
    EVERY MOMENT
    in the deep,
    in the seas,
    in the flood,
    in the waves,
    in the billows,
    EVERY MOMENT
    in the belly of the great fish…
    where even there
    EVERY MOMENT
    I dwelt in the house of the LORD,
    for all who are His dwell in His house forever!

    For where could I have gone that He did not go with me?
    (See Psalm 139:7-12)

    Isaiah 52:12b
    for the LORD will go before you,
    and the God of Israel will be your rear guard.

    I keep finding my heart drawn out in love to God in the past couple days for all He has done in light of the wilderness journey He has had me on for several years. “Drawn out” is the only phrase I have for it. I can’t express it. I never used that word before in regard to my experiential understanding of the love of God for me in Jesus Christ.

    My hopes and dreams were broken and shattered.
    I was broken and shattered.
    I felt put to shame on many occasions.

    And yet . . .

    Isaiah 49:23 those who wait for me shall not be put to shame…

    Job 5:18  For he wounds, but he binds up;
    he shatters, but his hands heal.

    Those moments
    in the deep,
    in the seas,
    in the flood,
    in the waves,
    in the billows
    in the belly of the great fish…

    No, *I* would not have chosen them,
    but in His loving wisdom to me,
    my loving heavenly Father chose them for me
    because I am His chosen child
    and He loves me.

    Hebrews 12:6
    For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
    and chastises every son whom he receives.

    We cannot say we really know the love of God if we do not know and accept His discipline.
    (Every son – every one He loves – no exceptions!)

    Job 5:17  Behold, blessed is the one whom God reproves;
    therefore despise not the discipline of the Almighty.
    18  For he wounds, but he binds up;
    he shatters, but his hands heal.

    We cannot say we know the blessing of God if we do not know the reproof of God.
    We cannot say we know the binding and healing of God if we do not know the wounding and shattering of God.

    Because of His discipline toward me, I count Him as more precious.

    God’s refining work in His servants is as important as our work done as His servants.
    (I will even say it is even more important.)

    For how many words I usually have, how can I express or speak of His inexpressible, unspeakable Gift!

    God cast me into the deep . . . so I might begin to know the deep things of God!

    God cast me into the heart of the seas . . . so I might begin to know the heart of His love for me in the midst of His discipline!

    God cast me into the flood . . . so I might begin to cry out for Him to pour floods of His Spirit into my thirsty soul!

    God cast me into the waves . . . so I might begin to know His waves of mercy in light of my exceeding sinfulness of sin!

    God cast me into the billows . . . so I might begin to billow forth with songs of thanksgiving and praise to Him!

    Thank God for His persevering grace to His children, to Jonahs like me!

    I am overwhelmed at God’s continuing goodnesses to me in light of my continuing stubbornness and unbelief, and so I acknowledge here that IN ALL OF THAT TIME IN THE FISH, FOR EVERY MOMENT IN THE FISH WAS FOR MY GOOD AND HIS GLORY!

    Psalm 119
    65  You have dealt well with your servant,
    O LORD, according to your word.
    66  Teach me good judgment and knowledge,
    for I believe in your commandments.
    67  Before I was afflicted I went astray,
    but now I keep your word.
    68  You are good and do good;
    teach me your statutes.
    69  The insolent smear me with lies,
    but with my whole heart I keep your precepts;
    70  their heart is unfeeling like fat,
    but I delight in your law.
    71  It is good for me that I was afflicted,
    that I might learn your statutes.
    72  The law of your mouth is better to me
    than thousands of gold and silver pieces.

    In my Bible next to Hebrews 11:6, “He is a rewarder to those who diligently seek Him,” a few years back I had written:

    “The rewards are bittersweet.”

    This morning I woke up thinking of the time I’d written that, but then I was rebuked and all but shouted out, “No, no! The rewards are NOT bittersweet – the rewards are sweet! Wholly sweet!” As the Psalmist said, God is good and does good! When is there a time that God is not good? When is there a time that God does not do good? Oh, yes, it seemed bittersweet to me at times (it is true that the discipline of the Lord often seems grievous and painful to us, rather than pleasant), and I confess there are times it even in retrospect it still does seem to be, but know this: our God can give His children NOTHING BUT SWEETNESS. Nothing but sweetness! For Jesus Christ IS nothing but sweetness to us! Hallelujah!

    Song of Solomon 2
    3  As an apple tree among the trees of the forest,
    so is my beloved among the young men.
    With great delight I sat in his shadow,
    and his fruit was sweet to my taste,
    4  He brought me to the banqueting house,
    and his banner over me was love.

    Was there a day, or even a moment, when His banner over me was not love? No, there was not!
    That banner of love includes our Father’s discipline.

    I confess there were times I did not sit with great delight in that chastening time in the great fish! I hope and pray that as I am disciplined in the future (for I certainly will be!), that by God’s grace I will be able to sit with great delight there and be able to taste that His fruit is sweet to me even there and be assured that His banner over me continues to be love – from henceforth and forevermore! He has loved His children with an everlasting love! We were loved in Christ Jesus before time began! God’s discipline is not separating us FROM His love, it is drawing us INTO a greater experiential understanding of His love – to eat of His sweet fruit! Hallelujah! I hope and pray all of you who are Christ’s are enabled to come into a greater understanding of God’s love for you through His discipline toward you.

    Job 5:17  Behold, blessed is the one whom God reproves;
    therefore despise not the discipline of the Almighty.

    Hebrews 12:5 “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
    nor be weary when reproved by him.
    6  For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
    and chastises every son whom he receives.”