Today I find myself waiting. And I have found myself beginning to get anxious. Much like King Saul, I have been just about ready to jump ahead to add onto what the LORD has shown me to do. There is no addition to the revealed commandment of God. The needed thing for me to do right now is to wait. So, so hard! No, not only hard, but impossible – apart from God who strengthens me!

Waiting seems so simple and we know it sounds very romantic – and yet we all know how difficult it is! We would much rather be doing, would be not? We see how throughout the Old Testament so many saints failed to wait for God’s blessings to come in God’s prescribed way and God’s time – and, as a result, there were grave consequences. And I have known that experience in my own life and God has definitely worked to help me to wait on Him, but once more today I must go back to Him and ask for grace sufficient for my need this day because yesterday’s manna and yesterday’s living water will never sustain me for today’s journey.

Our patient waiting, our enduring with longsuffering with all joy (see Col. 1) is God-honoring for it puts us into the place where we are acknowledging God as the sovereign King, the Lord of lords, and in particular the Lord of our own lives. As we trust Him and bow our hearts before Him and say, “Not my will, but Yours, be done,” we are saying to Him, “I am trusting You today, Lord, I am not going to lean on my own understanding, ah, as much as I think I should do such and such, as much as I am tempted to run ahead of You and do such and such, I am trusting Your ways to be best, even though at present I do not understand them and I do not see how this can work out. Give me the eye of faith to see You, invisible God. Give me the heart of faith to trust You, trustworthy God. Your ways and thoughts are inscrutable, they are higher than mine (by definition! You are God and I am NOT!), but they are always pure and perfect and they are always for Your glory, for my good and the furtherance of Your Gospel. Strengthen me as I wait on You. I know I will not be put to shame.” Amen, and Amen.

I love Psalm 27:14 because we don’t often think of waiting as being very courageous, do we, and yet here we have the two linked. And, in the same way, we don’t think of waiting as needing strength, but again we see strength as absolutely necessary so we might wait on the LORD.

A couple days ago I wrote the following as part of a message to a dear friend in Christ and think it definitely applies to me today:

So today I find myself in need of that perfect sustenance, that strengthening, that courage, all so I might wait on the LORD so He might be highly exalted and I am sure to receive His grace and mercy in due time.

Bread of Life and Living Water, draw me to You, so I might eat and drink and be satisfied and be able to wait on You and trust in You and not be afraid and anxious. Amen.

If you’ve been reading my other blog, you know that the past couple weeks have been a struggle for me. (Please my posts here, here, here, here and here and here.) I’m not going to recount all that here, but I will say during that time I felt about as pressed and tempted as I have at any time since I’ve been saved, and though not having been afflicted or burdened as much as Paul was, I felt for the first time that I could genuinely relate to Paul’s words in II Corinthians 1:

The week before last I pulsed

Then later that same day I expanded on that request in my post asking a hard thing.

I had seen I was beginning to look to earthly results for my joy and knew I was headed in a very bad direction, very bad.

My face was not radiant because I was not looking to Him. Psalms 34:5: Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. I was looking pretty ugly and feeling joyless.

After that time I attended a conference at which I received a hand-out on evangelism. It broke the process into three phrases: cultivating, sowing and harvesting. This was truly a God-sent blessing as I read this under the description of the sowing phase:

As soon as I read that, I thought something like, “This is me! That is just what I love to do and thrive on!” I’m not saying I haven’t ever been involved in or wouldn’t ever be involved in cultivating the soil (human hearts) or harvesting the crop (the reproduced life of Christ in hearts), but God has given me a passion and love to sow seeds, and more particularly to sow seeds among those who are already in the church to shore them up in their faith, so their faith might grow deeper. (Notice that Paul told Timothy to do the work of an evangelist and yet Timothy was a pastor.)

Since that time I’ve been praying, “If You’ve made me a sower, then I want to be a happy sower! Lord, make me a happy sower!”

A few days after that I was brought down again and had to scratch and claw back and immerse myself in the Word and God’s promises and to remember that I could always trust God as I am faithful to do what He’s called me to do and not to obsess about the harvest or results.

This is a continuing battle but I’d not had such an extended and intense period of struggle and temptation with it since over a year ago, when God brought joy to my soul in a way He’d never done before. I’ve known His joy in increasing measure since that time, and I’ve come to know that no one or nothing compares. No one. Nothing. So this whole thing continue to grieve my soul as it grieved His Spirit, I know.

I am also more convinced than ever that the messages of joy and assurance are so vital to the church since I keep meeting joyless and unassured Christians over and over and over again.

Jesus Christ came that we might have life and have life abundantly. He came that our joy might be full. The Gospel is a message of great joy to all peoples.

There is so much more I’ve been wanting to write about all this. I hope and pray the Lord will give me the opportunity to do so. This is not only a vital message for others, but I have to say that it blesses my soul to write about God’s love and the joy He makes available to all of His children through Christ and it also brings God honor and glory as we remind one another that Christ alone is our true joy and His love for us endures forever and we need not doubt or fear or waver in our faith.  What glory! What other love compares to Him! What other joy compares to Him!

I’ve been reflecting on Isaiah 55 in the past day. I put my iPod touch onto shuffle yesterday and it ended up on a John Piper message Preaching in the Power of the Spirit. It was really excellent and I highly recommend it, but near the end he referenced verses 10 and 11 from Isaiah 55, and since that time I’ve been pondering those (as well as the whole chapter):

Gospel seed is a gift from God. (Thank You, Lord, for every seed You give me!) I am learning to count Him and that seed ever more precious. I can trust God will accomplish His purposes and it will succeed as He wills.

One of God’s purposes is that I steward that seed well and do so with joy. So, as He gives it to me, I want to be a faithful steward and sower of His seed, to persevere in sowing seed with joy for the sake of the elect.

There’s another thing I’ve been pondering. On my post here, David (TravelingStranger) commented, “God bless; keep up the holy work.”

Holy work. Holy work! The Gospel is holy because God is holy. Anytime we proclaim Christ, we are engaged in holy work. What a wonder that God chooses fallible, broken and feeble vessels like us, but we know it is all to bring God maximum glory (I Cor 1, II Cor 4). What a privilege and joy! As soon as I come to my senses and see the holiness of what I’m doing and the preciousness of the seed I’m sowing, I am melted down and can’t help but weep. I love Jesus and despite my recent wandering, I have known Him as my chief joy and my greatest treasure. I rejoice in Him and treasure Him even more today as I’ve seen His love constraining me back into His fold, to feel His embrace, to hear Him rejoicing over me with singing and quieting me with His love.

Throughout the day today I could particularly relate to the apostle Paul’s words:

Realizing the holiness of the task at hand, the awesome responsibility we have, and the hungry souls needing to be fed I was humbled. I knew that in and of myself I could do nothing. That’s a good place to be. And whenever we’re not there we need to ask Him to put us there once again.

As I said, I’ve been pondering Isaiah 55, and there’s more I would like to write on it, though I’ve not really had time to sit with as much as I’d like, except to say I can’t help but look at verses 4 and 5 and 12 and 13 and see how the Church is in dire need of truly knowing the deep joy of our salvation and having full assurance of God’s love for us:

If we continue joyless and unassured in our faith, are any nations really going to run to us? If we aren’t having joy and peace in believing and breaking forth into singing, are any nations going to have joy and peace in believing and break forth into singing? Are they going to have any interest in a God whose people are miserable and whining all the time? Are we going to be making a name for the LORD (other than bringing reproach on His Name )?

However, if we know God and His love in increasing measure so we might be filled with His joy and walk in deeper assurance, in both the dark and cloudy and stormy days as well as in the bright and sunny and calm days, what a witness that will be of God’s everlasting Gospel!

I do appreciate your friendship and your continuing prayers and support as I strive to be a happy sower by the grace of God at work in me.

One more thing I would ask you to pray about is for wisdom and discernment for me regarding my place in my local church. Long story short, it appears God is presenting an opportunity to me to have an impact on the women’s ministry there. I want to walk in obedience to God’s will for me and not to jump ahead of Him in this. I tend to jump ahead rather than waiting on Him. That was something our Father has had to discipline me several times in the past. This time around He gave me grace to be able to wait and pray, and I did not push, but now a door has been opening by His hand. (This is what I was referring to in my post Trust, delight, commit (Psalm 37:3-5) a couple days ago.)

I am also privileged to pray for you, so please feel free to leave requests in the comments below and/or message me.

The Lord has rejoiced my soul and made me glad!
Karen

I’ve been reading through the “Memoir and Remains of R. M. M’Cheyne” by Andrew Bonar. I’ve already posted a couple times on the book at tent of meeting (see here and here). Some of you know how much I appreciated reading through “George Whitefield’s Journals” and how I look to Whitefield as an example and for inspiration (of course, knowing full well, that we need to take care not to idolize others nor to set ourselves up for a sense of inadequacy as we compare ourselves to others). I have to say this book and the life of M’Cheyne rank right up there with the Whitefield and the Journals.

I’d like to bring a quote today from a letter M’Cheyne wrote to the Rev. Dan Edwards October 2, 1840:

I can’t help but note that M’Cheyne wrote this at age 27, and he lived for less than two and half years after this time.

I confess I share M’Cheyne’s struggle. I so agree how sweet it will be to drop my old man and be pure as Christ is pure!

I shake my head and wonder sometimes why God uses me (us). I find it dumbfounding and deeply humbling how God continues to use people like me (like us) even as I (we) struggle in these ways. Even as I (we) continue to have such mixed motives in ministry.

Holy Father, I am Your child because I have been united with Christ by grace through faith. Thank You for adopting me into Your family, though I was not worthy. Help me now to walk worthy of that calling. I have been united to Christ and given the Holy Spirit so I might live like Your blessed Son, who lived for a holy life to Your glory alone. O, that I might be able to separate between “I” and “the glory of Christ.” How we all continue to fight this temptation, but particularly as we seek to minister in Your Name. Thank You for the privilege You have given all of Your children to be ambassadors for Jesus Christ. I confess how often I do not walk with purity in that calling. Forgive me, Holy Father. Cleanse me by the blood of the Lamb. Anytime I live for my own glory is a grave sin against You. To strive to lift myself up is an affront to You and Your glory, shows contempt for Christ’s life and blood given for mine, and it grieves Your Holy Spirit. Sanctify and strengthen me with Your resurrection power through Your indwelling Holy Spirit so I might not continue to seek my own glory but seek Your glory alone. Grant me abundant grace to purify myself as You are pure, to put off the old man and put on the new, to live for Christ and not my own lusts – all so You alone might receive all the praise, honor and glory in all I do. I know that my truest happiness is to live entirely for the glory of Christ! That is why when I begin to even desire a bit of the glory for myself, Your Holy Spirit begins to convict me of that and makes me miserable. Thank You, Holy Spirit, for Your continued promptings, for renewing my mind, for leading me into all truth so Jesus Christ might be lifted up. Help my heart to remain soft and pliable and my ears to continue to hear You speak to me. I know this is all impossible with me, but is possible with You! Be merciful and gracious to me for Jesus’ sake. Send me grace sufficient for my need as I seek to lift up Jesus Christ to Your glory alone. Amen.