This morning (and actually over the past several weeks now), I was struggling with what God was doing and I was struggling with persevering (e.g. – see also here, here, here, here and here.) Once again I began wondering if my time was done. I had no desire to write, no desire to do much of anything, for that matter. I had nothing more to give. I had nothing. I even got to the point where I considered shutting down my blogs and going into a hole somewhere. I wondered if God was done with me, for I do know it is true that He does have certain seasons of ministry for certain people. I had reached just about the lowest depths of unbelief…yet not too low to call out to Him once more:

After that I tried (in vain) to take hold of His promises, to regain my footing, to recapture the vision. I finally laid my head down on the table and rested (fitfully).

A while later I got out some lunch and pulled off the printer a couple articles I’d printed out last night from Reformation and Revival Fellowship, which I’d been intending to read for a few days now. The first article was “Revival in William Williams’ Time” by Eifion Evans, which included a short excerpt from William Williams’ book, “The Experience Meeting: An Introduction to the Welsh Societies of the Evangelical Awakening” which I first read last December and have been meaning to begin rereading…

As soon as I started reading the article, I went back to the bedroom and snatched up my copy of Williams’ book and read the greater context of the excerpt:

    This is the way the Lord worked in that part of the world.  One time, there were just a few of us, professing believers, gathered together, cold and unbelievably dead, in a meeting which we called a special service, so discouraged as to doubt whether we should ever meet again, some who were usually absent from every meeting, some in a deadly apathy, with nothing to say of God nor of their own souls, some given over to the world and its cares, some backslidden completely from all the means of grace and the ordinances of the gospel, some given over to the flesh and its lusts, as in the days of Noah––seeking a wife, seeking a husband, marrying and giving in marriage––and I myself well nigh disheartened and thinking often of coming to live in warmer spiritual climes, and moving my tent from Ur of the Chaldees nearer to the borders of the Promised Land.  But, even though all things were as I have described them––the world, the flesh and Satan victorious––these special services were yet conducted in an incredibly lifeless manner. There was no encouragement for anyone to carry on the work, save only the promise of God, that wherever two or three coming together in His name, if their purpose were right, however lifeless their present state, He would come to them and bless them.  This alone had made us come together to pray; but our prayers were not much more than groans.

    But at last, forced by cowardice, unbelief and the onslaughts of Satan, we resolved to give up our special meeting: and now we were about to offer a final prayer, fully intending never again to meet thus in fellowship. But it is when man reaches the lowest depths of unbelief that God imparts faith, and when man has failed, then God reveals Himself.  So here, with us in such dire straits, on the brink of despair, with the door shut on every hope of success, God Himself entered into our midst, and the light of day from on high dawned upon us; for one of the brethren––yes, the most timid of us all, the one who was strongest in his belief that God would never visit us––  while in prayer, was stirred in his spirit and laid hold powerfully on heaven, as one who would never let go.  His tongue spoke unusual words, his voice was raised, his spirit was aflame, he pleaded, he cried to God, he struggled, he wrestled in earnest, like Jacob, in the agony of his soul.  The fire took hold of others––all were awakened, the coldest to the most heedless took hold and were warmed; into the battle, with him we laid hold upon God, His attributes, His Word and His promises, resolving that we would never let go on our hold until all our desire should be satisfied.

   And this came to pass, for there fell upon us the sweet breath of the love of the Lord.  We were filled as if with the fulness of the bowls and the horns of the altar––the fire was kindled and we gave voice with our tongues.  The cloud melted away, the sun shone, we drank of the fruit of the vines of the promised land, and we were made to rejoice.  Gone was unbelief––gone guilt––gone fear––gone a timid, cowardly spirit, lack of love, envy, suspicion, together with all the poisonous worms that tormented us before; and in their place came love, faith, hope, a joyful spirit, with a glorious multitude of the graces of the Holy Spirit.  Up till now the service was only beginning, for prayer, singing, praise and blessing were redoubled, and no one felt like bringing things to an end; and now some were weeping, some praising, some singing, some filled with heavenly laughter, and all full of wonder and love and amazement at the Lord’s work––to my mind like the time of the Apostles, when the Spirit descended from on high on a handful of fearful people, and strengthened them mightily to come out of their secret hiding place into the midst of the streets of Jerusalem, and to declare the Name of the Lord before every tribe, tongue and nation that had gathered together there, from the uttermost parts of the earth. As it was then, so it was here now.

    This sound went forth and was spread from parish to parish and from village to village, until innumerable people were carrying around the burning word–men and youths, women and children. Preachers, too, came to us from all parts, having heard at a distance rumours of these workings of God… (8-9)

cold and unbelievably dead…Yes, that’d be me.

discouraged as to doubt whether we should ever meet again…Yes, that’d be me.

in a deadly apathy, with nothing to say of God nor of their own souls…Yes, that’d be me.

I myself well nigh disheartened…Yes, that’d be me.

the onslaughts of Satan…Yes, that’d be me.

poisonous worms that tormented…Yes, that’d be me.

the lowest depths of unbelief…Yes, that’d be me.

man has failed…Yes, that’d be me.

about to offer a final prayer…Yes, that’d be me.

in such dire straits, on the brink of despair, with the door shut on every hope of success…Yes, that’d be me.

There was no encouragement for anyone to carry on the work…Yes, that’d be me.

I will say that I’ve known these things in great and greater measure over the past several weeks. I’m not exaggerating this.

Doubt after doubt has piled up upon me, much like shovelful upon shovelful of dirt being tossed upon a dead body lying motionless and breathless in a closed casket. Shut in, with no hope of escape. No light. No oxygen. No nothing. Nothing.

Now and again there would be a little glimmer of sunshine. A gasp of wind. A short reprieve.

But then another shovelful of dirt would come.

And then the darkness was darker. The deadness was deader.

And another shovelful.

Even worse.

And so on.

This downward spiral has continued for some time now. Then this morning another shovelful of dirt fell upon me in that casket. I was all but resolved to give up. I wondered if I was supposed to. The dreams – gone. The vision – gone. The hope – gone. The desire – gone. The interest – gone. The faith – gone. The joy – gone. I will say that nothing in particular happened to precipitate this. In fact, I had a wonderful unexpected word of encouragement via a phone call last night.

What I do know is that a cloud has been descending for some time now and earlier today had firmly planted itself … but this was not the heaven-sent bright cloud of Shekinah glory cloud – but rather a dark cloud of doom and despair, which was earthly, sensual and demonic. (And I will say I know a couple of you have spoken to me of similar experiences as well.)

But it is when man reaches the lowest depths of unbelief that God imparts faith, and when man has failed, then God reveals Himself.  So here, with us in such dire straits, on the brink of despair, with the door shut on every hope of success, God Himself entered into our midst, and the light of day from on high dawned upon us…

In the lowest depths of my unbelief . . .

God imparted faith…
God revealed Himself…
God Himself entered into my midst, and the light of day from on high dawned upon me…

God answered my desperate prayer. He sweetly sent a drop for me today from that fountain…

That entrance, that drop was in the form of that article which led me to pick up and read Williams’ words and see once again the glorious possibilities God has for us as His children if we persevere in meeting together and seeking His face together.

We have got to hold onto the Lord and His promises to us no matter what, no matter how we might feel, no matter what we might see – for we know our Lord never fails to be gracious and merciful to His people:

He waits to be gracious.
He exalts Himself to show mercy to us.
He is a God of justice.
We are blessed as we wait for Him.
We shall weep no more.
He will surely be gracious to us at the sound of our cry.
As soon as we cry, He answers us.

As soon as we cry, He answers us…

Yet the answer comes in His time. God’s purpose in waiting is that He might be highly exalted. His answers to our cries are divinely timed and orchestrated for His glory to be displayed in the greatest way possible.

So though the Lord will give us the bread of adversity and the water of affliction for a time . . .

May God give us sufficient grace to wait on Him as He waits to be gracious to us. May He strengthen our grip so we might grab hold of Him and His promises and keep holding on to the hem of His garment. May He strengthen our arms to wrestle with Him until He blesses us. May He open our mouths so we might not keep silent and we might take no rest nor give Him rest. That . . .

If God has set us as watchmen – to speak to the Lord on behalf of His Church and for the Lord to speak to His Church – we can trust He will work in us to will and to do of His good pleasure and keep us persevering in that work.

One reason I began this blog was because I could see the vital need for us to come together to support one another (please see here and here for more of my thoughts on that). We have got to keep meeting together and holding one another up in prayer as well as praying God would lead us to others locally who are also burdened for the Church – because during those times when even all of us are cold and even all of us are a faint flicker, we can trust that God will rend the heavens and rain down fire to inflame the spirit of one of us so the fire might be kindled, take hold of us and warm the rest of us . . . and then warm others besides us:

while in prayer, was stirred in his spirit and laid hold powerfully on heaven, as one who would never let go.  His tongue spoke unusual words, his voice was raised, his spirit was aflame, he pleaded, he cried to God, he struggled, he wrestled in earnest, like Jacob, in the agony of his soul.  The fire took hold of others––all were awakened, the coldest to the most heedless took hold and were warmed; into the battle, with him we laid hold upon God, His attributes, His Word and His promises, resolving that we would never let go on our hold until all our desire should be satisfied...

the fire was kindled…The cloud melted away, the sun shone, we drank of the fruit of the vines of the promised land, and we were made to rejoice.

This sound went forth and was spread from parish to parish and from village to village, until innumerable people were carrying around the burning word–men and youths, women and children. Preachers, too, came to us from all parts, having heard at a distance rumours of these workings of God…

Ecclesiastes 4:9  Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10  For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! 11  Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? 12  And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

I will leave you with a final quote from Williams regarding the formation of such groups of believers to encourage, strengthen and support one another:

Anytime the people of God gather together in His Name for His glory, to be about His business, to contend for the Gospel, the lion is sure to be prowling and seeking an opportune time to harass, taunt, weaken, discourage and divide the flock. Let’s not forsake the assembling together, my brothers and sisters. I thank you for allowing me to share my blessings and burdens with you. I thank you for your prayers for me. I would be privileged to do the same for you.

Yours in Christ, contending with You for the Gospel, seeking His face for revival,
Romans 11:36,
Karen

Philippians 4:11  Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12  I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. 13  I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Up until recently, I pretty much considered these words of Paul primarily in regard to Paul’s physical needs, and certainly the surrounding context implies Paul had been writing about some physical provision the Philippians had made for him.

But now as I’ve been thinking more about the loneliness of ministry I’m looking at Paul’s words in a new light.

Didn’t any and every circumstance for the apostle Paul have to also include his emotional needs, specifically those circumstances in which there were no friends left to support him?

Hadn’t Paul learned the secret of facing plenty (in friendships) and hunger (in friendships), abundance and need (in friendships)?

Hadn’t Paul learned he could do all things (regardless of whether he had many friends or no friends) through Christ who strengthened him?

As much as I treasure my friends, as much as I know they are a gift from God to stand by me and strengthen me, I know that inevitably, in contrast to the Lord, either unintentionally or intentionally, all my friends, yes, each and every one of them, will eventually let me down. The best of friends cannot stand by us at all times. The best of friends cannot strengthen us at all times. (For example, consider how in spite of their best intentions, Peter, James & John fell asleep while the Lord prayed alone in the garden.) I know that in my head, but I sometimes forget that in my heart. God has to keep reminding me of how I often begin to rely on friends rather than Him alone.

I’ve also found myself murmuring too much lately (well, once is really too much), “No one really understands this calling, this burden that God has given me.” Things like that…Nonsense…

Well, how can anyone else understand it, really…apart from the Lord Himself? It’s certainly true that as believers we’re all called to Christ, so we have that common bond in Him, we share in His life and in His Spirit.  But beyond that we have different callings on our lives and we’re uniquely gifted (e.g. – see John 21; I Cor. 12-14, etc.). Yes, there are always fellow believers who have similar passions and burdens and similar gifts and similar personalities. But yet…we still have to consider…

As wonderful as they can be, our human friendships are never going to compare to our friendship with and relationship to Christ.

Besides all that, if our friends were able to be there all the time to stand by us and strengthen us (which they can’t), if our friends could understand completely (which they can’t), would we really rely on the LORD as He intends? Would we be able to say without Him we can do nothing? How could He ever be our all in all if our friends took that role?

I like Caedmon’s Call’s song “You Created.” Here’s the chorus:

That includes friends. God will not give us friends if we will end up finding them more pleasurable than the Lord Himself.

Don’t get me wrong here. The apostle Paul cherished his Christian friends and treasured them. That’s evident as we read his many commendations toward his friends as well as his tender care and concern for them. And we’re to do likewise. God has given me some wonderful friends, but they still aren’t God…And I always get in big trouble when I try to substitute them for God or when I begin to say that God Himself isn’t enough for me. It’s just like going to the broken cisterns to drink rather than going to the living waters. Idolatrous? Yes! Foolish? Yes!

Friends are a gift from God to stand by us and strengthen us, but they are only that – a gift from God, never to be a substitute for God. (Doesn’t the devil love to twist the gifts of God to us?!)

Friends will stand by us and strengthen us…to a point…

There’s only one Friend who will stand by us and strengthen us all the time…

The psalmist wrote:

In other words, whatever God’s purposes are for us, He will fulfill them.

So, at any particular time, we can trust that God will fulfill His purposes for us in His way. At times that may be by giving us many friends. Other times through a few friends. Other times through a single friend. And, yes, at other times, no friend. But no matter how many or how few friends we have at any time, we can be sure of this: the Lord will never fail to stand by us and strengthen us. (Yes, we all have friends all the time, but I think you know what I’m saying there…there are passions too fiery, burdens too heavy, heartaches too deep, joys too high that no human friend can really come alongside us in some of those times…) Therefore, depending on the particular season of life and season of ministry, sometimes we’ll have an abundance of friends, other times, a few, other times, none. Like the apostle Paul, we must (I must) learn to trust God to be our all in all in abundance and in need. Just as the Lord did. All ended up forsaking Him in the end. In the garden, during his trials and passion and then on the cross, could any friend help Him but His Father? The Lord Jesus completely entrusted Himself to His Father’s keeping, and God’s intent is for us to do the same…at all times. Isn’t Christ there with us when we cry endlessly in those night seasons or when our hearts burn brightly with passionate fire for the Gospel? Is our God not working for our good at all times? When no human friend is there for us, can we not trust Him to stand by us and strengthen us?

Going back to Psalm 57 once again:

Isn’t one of God’s great purposes for us to proclaim His Gospel for His glory? Look once again at II Timothy 4:16-17:

One of God’s purposes in giving us Christian friends is that they will stand by us and strengthen us so the Gospel might be fully proclaimed in the same way Christ stood by and strengthened Paul. Yes, I do know there are many, many other godly purposes for the gift of friends but let’s not lose sight of that glorious purpose God has for us in our friendships. God is all about His glory. And when His Gospel is proclaimed, He is glorified!

May we trust the workings of our sovereign Lord and God from whom all good gifts come. May we trust His wisdom and His love for us at all times: that He gives friends when we need them and withholds them when we do not need them, and may He give us grace to bless His name at all times. No matter what happens, may we continue to sing that it is well with our souls. May we trust our God in His time to give us godly friends who will stand by and strengthen us to proclaim Christ.

And let us always remember that God has given Himself to us to stand by and strengthen us forever.

How often do we become restless when we forget God’s bountiful dealings with us? Consider that He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world. He became sin for us so we might become the righteousness of God. He died on the cross for us while we were yet sinners. While we were strangers without hope and without power, His mighty power worked to draw us to Himself, to bring us out of darkness into His marvelous light. His kindness led us to repentance. His Spirit imparted life to our dead souls. We forget those first things…Let us heed the words of the Psalmist:

O souls, let us return to our rest as we see that the LORD has dealt bountifully with us and continues to deal bountifully with us! We become restless whenever we forget Whose we are! I so quickly become restless when I forget God’s bountiful goodness to me! He is our Beloved and we are His! Amazing grace poured out at Calvary that allows us to have fellowship with God the Father Himself through the body and blood of His Son and His indwelling Spirit!

As I have blathered this and that to God about my not having the friends I think I need (or blathering about whatever I think I need; I’m focusing on friends here because that’s been my most recent struggle, but you can fill in the gap with whatever you keep telling God you “need”…), my Father has never failed to be merciful and gracious to me. He never fails to brings me back to my senses to remember His bountiful blessings to me in Jesus Christ. As I look back on how I’ve been whining and pouting and lamenting because I don’t have this or that, the words of Psalm 73 come to mind, to humble me so I have to pray:

“Forgive me Father. Once again I have been foolish and brutish. You have already given me everything in Christ Jesus, the Friend who sticks closer than a brother, and yet there I am saying to You, ‘Um, sorry that isn’t enough. I want more!’ How abominable. For me to say that Christ isn’t enough! This is foolishness and brutishness to the n-th degree! Forgive me, O God, for Jesus’ sake. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve You. I thank You for loving me in the first place and then for continuing to love and keep me for my heart is prone to wander. But for You, my feet would have slipped irreparably. All praise and thanks to You for You alone keep me from falling and will present me before Your throne one Day. For me not to be fully satisfied that You are my best Friend shows how wretched I am. Thank You, Lord God, for Your amazing grace and manifold mercies that You continue to shower down upon me!”

I’m no different than the Israelites who murmured and grumbled in the desert, “Is the Lord among us or not?”

Of course, the Lord is among us! And, not only that, but the Lord is in me. He has promised never to leave me or forsake me. His Spirit has come to abide with me forever.

This is the same Holy Spirit who helps with our weaknesses and intercedes for us…

So what does my Father think when I say to Him, “No one understands this calling. I have no one to talk to….”

Not much…

Our Father is good and wants to give us good gifts:

If the LORD is withholding friends from us at a particular time, we know that is for our good. Our LORD will never withhold anything good from us. Never! He is our loving Father. He wants to give us good gifts. And His best gift to us is Himself. How easily I forget that in so many ways, including this area of my friendships. We will be blessed as we trust in Him and in His ways and in His will for us during those times of loneliness. May He give us grace to draw closer to Him and be ever-mindful that no matter what the Lord will supply all our need, that He will stand by us and strengthen us at all times.

I was looking back at some of William Williams’ (1717-1791) hymns this week (in Sweet Singers of Wales) and found this one which God used to speak to my soul. I hope it will bless you as it has me.

In Lonely Desert Place

In lonely desert place,
Without one human friend,
If God would daily show His face,
I could my lifetime spend.
He is in every thing,
All-present every hour;
There is no creature that can bring
Its strength to help His power.

The fearful desert night,
Perils in every place,
And fear of death–all take their flight,
Where God reveals His face:
His beauty passing fair,
His peace, and perfect love,
Make holy festivals, where’er
He shineth from above.

Where Thou art, in all things
Immortal life abounds;
Like streams from out the rock it springs,
And reaches heaven’s bounds:
From Thee alone have come
All dawns of shining white,
To guide, through wastes and lowlands home,
The children of the light.
 
Ye sun and moon, farewell;
Farewell, ye stars of night;
Where God’s sweet presence comes to dwell,
There needs no other light:
A vast eternal day
Comes from His smiling face;
A better, greater light than they–
The radiance of His grace.

The Lord will stand by us and strengthen us!

Philippians 4:11  Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12  I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. 13  I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

• Vegas, baby! (reflections on friendships & deerlife)
• singing psalms & hymns & spiritual songs
• ML-J on depression in the ministry
• ministry & perseverance (Even after Kadesh “Moses did as the LORD commanded.” Will I?)
• Letter 7 on assurance and fighting for joy (remember His love for us while we were sinners)
• Friendship through His Spirit (a hymn of thanksgiving to God)
• Reasons for Thanks Giving, Part 6: Christian Friends
• Bible Reading-Isaiah: When We Think the LORD Has Forsaken and Forgotten Us
• resting in the love of God & pressing on in friendships (letter 46 on assurance & joy)

Photo credit: I edited DesertQatar (public domain photo).