This morning (and actually over the past several weeks now), I was struggling with what God was doing and I was struggling with persevering (e.g. – see also here, here, here, here and here.) Once again I began wondering if my time was done. I had no desire to write, no desire to do much of anything, for that matter. I had nothing more to give. I had nothing. I even got to the point where I considered shutting down my blogs and going into a hole somewhere. I wondered if God was done with me, for I do know it is true that He does have certain seasons of ministry for certain people. I had reached just about the lowest depths of unbelief…yet not too low to call out to Him once more:

After that I tried (in vain) to take hold of His promises, to regain my footing, to recapture the vision. I finally laid my head down on the table and rested (fitfully).

A while later I got out some lunch and pulled off the printer a couple articles I’d printed out last night from Reformation and Revival Fellowship, which I’d been intending to read for a few days now. The first article was “Revival in William Williams’ Time” by Eifion Evans, which included a short excerpt from William Williams’ book, “The Experience Meeting: An Introduction to the Welsh Societies of the Evangelical Awakening” which I first read last December and have been meaning to begin rereading…

As soon as I started reading the article, I went back to the bedroom and snatched up my copy of Williams’ book and read the greater context of the excerpt:

    This is the way the Lord worked in that part of the world.  One time, there were just a few of us, professing believers, gathered together, cold and unbelievably dead, in a meeting which we called a special service, so discouraged as to doubt whether we should ever meet again, some who were usually absent from every meeting, some in a deadly apathy, with nothing to say of God nor of their own souls, some given over to the world and its cares, some backslidden completely from all the means of grace and the ordinances of the gospel, some given over to the flesh and its lusts, as in the days of Noah––seeking a wife, seeking a husband, marrying and giving in marriage––and I myself well nigh disheartened and thinking often of coming to live in warmer spiritual climes, and moving my tent from Ur of the Chaldees nearer to the borders of the Promised Land.  But, even though all things were as I have described them––the world, the flesh and Satan victorious––these special services were yet conducted in an incredibly lifeless manner. There was no encouragement for anyone to carry on the work, save only the promise of God, that wherever two or three coming together in His name, if their purpose were right, however lifeless their present state, He would come to them and bless them.  This alone had made us come together to pray; but our prayers were not much more than groans.

    But at last, forced by cowardice, unbelief and the onslaughts of Satan, we resolved to give up our special meeting: and now we were about to offer a final prayer, fully intending never again to meet thus in fellowship. But it is when man reaches the lowest depths of unbelief that God imparts faith, and when man has failed, then God reveals Himself.  So here, with us in such dire straits, on the brink of despair, with the door shut on every hope of success, God Himself entered into our midst, and the light of day from on high dawned upon us; for one of the brethren––yes, the most timid of us all, the one who was strongest in his belief that God would never visit us––  while in prayer, was stirred in his spirit and laid hold powerfully on heaven, as one who would never let go.  His tongue spoke unusual words, his voice was raised, his spirit was aflame, he pleaded, he cried to God, he struggled, he wrestled in earnest, like Jacob, in the agony of his soul.  The fire took hold of others––all were awakened, the coldest to the most heedless took hold and were warmed; into the battle, with him we laid hold upon God, His attributes, His Word and His promises, resolving that we would never let go on our hold until all our desire should be satisfied.

   And this came to pass, for there fell upon us the sweet breath of the love of the Lord.  We were filled as if with the fulness of the bowls and the horns of the altar––the fire was kindled and we gave voice with our tongues.  The cloud melted away, the sun shone, we drank of the fruit of the vines of the promised land, and we were made to rejoice.  Gone was unbelief––gone guilt––gone fear––gone a timid, cowardly spirit, lack of love, envy, suspicion, together with all the poisonous worms that tormented us before; and in their place came love, faith, hope, a joyful spirit, with a glorious multitude of the graces of the Holy Spirit.  Up till now the service was only beginning, for prayer, singing, praise and blessing were redoubled, and no one felt like bringing things to an end; and now some were weeping, some praising, some singing, some filled with heavenly laughter, and all full of wonder and love and amazement at the Lord’s work––to my mind like the time of the Apostles, when the Spirit descended from on high on a handful of fearful people, and strengthened them mightily to come out of their secret hiding place into the midst of the streets of Jerusalem, and to declare the Name of the Lord before every tribe, tongue and nation that had gathered together there, from the uttermost parts of the earth. As it was then, so it was here now.

    This sound went forth and was spread from parish to parish and from village to village, until innumerable people were carrying around the burning word–men and youths, women and children. Preachers, too, came to us from all parts, having heard at a distance rumours of these workings of God… (8-9)

cold and unbelievably dead…Yes, that’d be me.

discouraged as to doubt whether we should ever meet again…Yes, that’d be me.

in a deadly apathy, with nothing to say of God nor of their own souls…Yes, that’d be me.

I myself well nigh disheartened…Yes, that’d be me.

the onslaughts of Satan…Yes, that’d be me.

poisonous worms that tormented…Yes, that’d be me.

the lowest depths of unbelief…Yes, that’d be me.

man has failed…Yes, that’d be me.

about to offer a final prayer…Yes, that’d be me.

in such dire straits, on the brink of despair, with the door shut on every hope of success…Yes, that’d be me.

There was no encouragement for anyone to carry on the work…Yes, that’d be me.

I will say that I’ve known these things in great and greater measure over the past several weeks. I’m not exaggerating this.

Doubt after doubt has piled up upon me, much like shovelful upon shovelful of dirt being tossed upon a dead body lying motionless and breathless in a closed casket. Shut in, with no hope of escape. No light. No oxygen. No nothing. Nothing.

Now and again there would be a little glimmer of sunshine. A gasp of wind. A short reprieve.

But then another shovelful of dirt would come.

And then the darkness was darker. The deadness was deader.

And another shovelful.

Even worse.

And so on.

This downward spiral has continued for some time now. Then this morning another shovelful of dirt fell upon me in that casket. I was all but resolved to give up. I wondered if I was supposed to. The dreams – gone. The vision – gone. The hope – gone. The desire – gone. The interest – gone. The faith – gone. The joy – gone. I will say that nothing in particular happened to precipitate this. In fact, I had a wonderful unexpected word of encouragement via a phone call last night.

What I do know is that a cloud has been descending for some time now and earlier today had firmly planted itself … but this was not the heaven-sent bright cloud of Shekinah glory cloud – but rather a dark cloud of doom and despair, which was earthly, sensual and demonic. (And I will say I know a couple of you have spoken to me of similar experiences as well.)

But it is when man reaches the lowest depths of unbelief that God imparts faith, and when man has failed, then God reveals Himself.  So here, with us in such dire straits, on the brink of despair, with the door shut on every hope of success, God Himself entered into our midst, and the light of day from on high dawned upon us…

In the lowest depths of my unbelief . . .

God imparted faith…
God revealed Himself…
God Himself entered into my midst, and the light of day from on high dawned upon me…

God answered my desperate prayer. He sweetly sent a drop for me today from that fountain…

That entrance, that drop was in the form of that article which led me to pick up and read Williams’ words and see once again the glorious possibilities God has for us as His children if we persevere in meeting together and seeking His face together.

We have got to hold onto the Lord and His promises to us no matter what, no matter how we might feel, no matter what we might see – for we know our Lord never fails to be gracious and merciful to His people:

He waits to be gracious.
He exalts Himself to show mercy to us.
He is a God of justice.
We are blessed as we wait for Him.
We shall weep no more.
He will surely be gracious to us at the sound of our cry.
As soon as we cry, He answers us.

As soon as we cry, He answers us…

Yet the answer comes in His time. God’s purpose in waiting is that He might be highly exalted. His answers to our cries are divinely timed and orchestrated for His glory to be displayed in the greatest way possible.

So though the Lord will give us the bread of adversity and the water of affliction for a time . . .

May God give us sufficient grace to wait on Him as He waits to be gracious to us. May He strengthen our grip so we might grab hold of Him and His promises and keep holding on to the hem of His garment. May He strengthen our arms to wrestle with Him until He blesses us. May He open our mouths so we might not keep silent and we might take no rest nor give Him rest. That . . .

If God has set us as watchmen – to speak to the Lord on behalf of His Church and for the Lord to speak to His Church – we can trust He will work in us to will and to do of His good pleasure and keep us persevering in that work.

One reason I began this blog was because I could see the vital need for us to come together to support one another (please see here and here for more of my thoughts on that). We have got to keep meeting together and holding one another up in prayer as well as praying God would lead us to others locally who are also burdened for the Church – because during those times when even all of us are cold and even all of us are a faint flicker, we can trust that God will rend the heavens and rain down fire to inflame the spirit of one of us so the fire might be kindled, take hold of us and warm the rest of us . . . and then warm others besides us:

while in prayer, was stirred in his spirit and laid hold powerfully on heaven, as one who would never let go.  His tongue spoke unusual words, his voice was raised, his spirit was aflame, he pleaded, he cried to God, he struggled, he wrestled in earnest, like Jacob, in the agony of his soul.  The fire took hold of others––all were awakened, the coldest to the most heedless took hold and were warmed; into the battle, with him we laid hold upon God, His attributes, His Word and His promises, resolving that we would never let go on our hold until all our desire should be satisfied...

the fire was kindled…The cloud melted away, the sun shone, we drank of the fruit of the vines of the promised land, and we were made to rejoice.

This sound went forth and was spread from parish to parish and from village to village, until innumerable people were carrying around the burning word–men and youths, women and children. Preachers, too, came to us from all parts, having heard at a distance rumours of these workings of God…

Ecclesiastes 4:9  Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10  For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! 11  Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? 12  And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

I will leave you with a final quote from Williams regarding the formation of such groups of believers to encourage, strengthen and support one another:

Anytime the people of God gather together in His Name for His glory, to be about His business, to contend for the Gospel, the lion is sure to be prowling and seeking an opportune time to harass, taunt, weaken, discourage and divide the flock. Let’s not forsake the assembling together, my brothers and sisters. I thank you for allowing me to share my blessings and burdens with you. I thank you for your prayers for me. I would be privileged to do the same for you.

Yours in Christ, contending with You for the Gospel, seeking His face for revival,
Romans 11:36,
Karen

Most of us are familiar with the events of Numbers 20 at Kadesh. The Israelites were whining and murmuring (once again) because there was no water.

We can see here that Moses started out well…He and Aaron headed straight to the tent of meeting and fell on their faces before the LORD in prayer. The glory of the LORD appeared. The LORD gave them clear directions. But then what happened?

Hmm…Moses didn’t finish so well there, did he?

I can see myself in that. I start off well and for various reasons don’t always end up finishing well. My flesh takes over…

I also know I’ve had times I’ve been tempted at times to hit the rock, when I was only to speak to it.
I must say I have spoken to the rock when I’ve only been supposed to speak to it.
I lost patience and did not trust God to work in His way and in His time.
I reaped what I’ve sown.

I know I’ve been tempted in recent days to hit the rock, when I’m only supposed to speak to it.
I know how easy it would be to hit the rock. Too easy.
I’ve been close to hitting it…very close…too close.
I’m in danger of losing patience and not trusting God to work in His way and in His time.
LORD God, guard my mouth, hold my hand back. Help me to trust You to work in Your way and Your time.
Help me to be obedient to Your commandments.

(That’s not my main emphasis today here, yet these are things I’ve been struggling with once again, so I’m including them here…)

We know the rest of Moses’ story. Because Moses struck the rock twice instead of speaking to it, God spoke these words to Moses:

Any time we don’t do things in God’s prescribed way, the LORD is not hallowed and there will be consequences for that…Yes, God is gracious to us, and He uses all things (even our sins) for our good and His glory, yet it is true that we will reap what we sow, and, as a result, there may very well be dire consequences (e.g.- consider David’s sin with Bathsheba and the ensuing cover-up).

If we stopped right there and focused on the fact that Moses wasn’t able to lead Israel into the promised land, not even to put a foot there, this would be a very depressing story…(Yes, I know Moses ended up there at the Transfiguration…)

I know if I were Moses I would be tempted to say, “Ok, LORD, that’s enough. If I can’t get into the promised land, why bother?” (self-centered much?)

I will confess to you that my promised land is revival coming to the Church. And I can too easily make that an idol.

If I knew I would never see revival come in my lifetime, I know I would be tempted to say, “Ok, LORD, that’s enough. If I’m not going to see revival, why bother? Why bother if I won’t get to cross over Jordan?”

(Yes, I know Moses did pray to the Lord about his not being able to go into the promised land in Deut. 3, see more below.)

However, that’s not the attitude we see in Moses after Kadesh. After his disobedience in hitting the rock, in spite of the LORD’s clear proclamation that Moses would not be going into the promised land, we find Moses picking up in obedience to the LORD’s commands.

Here are a few instances. (You can go and read the surrounding context of each.)

(I’d just like to note that this pattern of obedience is only a continuation of Moses’ previous obedience to the LORD prior to hitting the rock at Kadesh. From the day at the burning bush (yes, granted, there were some questions then, I know…), to speaking to Aaron, to the encounters with Pharaoh, to the preparations for the Passover, to the Exodus from Egypt, to the Red Sea, to Marah, to Massah and Meribah, to Mt. Sinai, to the golden calf, to the tabernacle preparations, to the priestly garments, to disciplining the rebellious…which really hit close to home, his own sister Miriam, brother Aaron and nephews Nadab and Abihu, and so on…)

As we look at those verses above, we can see that Moses’ obedience doesn’t just involve Moses, but also involves other people and very often the whole nation of Israel. What would have happened if Moses just decided to chuck it?

Though our obedience always has implications, let’s consider what would have happened to those countless other souls if Moses hadn’t obeyed as God commanded. We certainly must be humbled and sobered when we consider the wide-reaching and long-term implications of our disobedience (and obedience).

Among God’s commands after Moses’ disobedience at Kadesh, there are a couple I find really challenging.

First is the command of the Lord to Moses to strip his deceased brother Aaron of his garments and put them on Aaron’s son Eleazar. Miriam had died not long before the incident at Kadesh and now Aaron dies. How devastating would that be?

Yet what was Moses’ response?

Second is the command to Moses to commission his successor, Joshua:

Moses’ response?

Moses did as the LORD commanded.

Um, yeah, I admit I’d have a tough time with that one. Well, I don’t think it wouldn’t be that bad if I knew I was going to enter into the promised land…But Moses wasn’t going, the LORD had made that clear – yet we see no hint of resentment or jealousy in Moses.

The LORD said it and Moses did it.

Will I? Will it be said of me:

I confess I still don’t have that kind of heart, or the heart of John the Baptist (well, really the heart of Jesus…Philippians 2…):

But am I, a servant of the LORD, to dictate to the LORD the terms of my service to Him?

I am praying God might circumcise my heart to do as He commands. May He give me sufficient grace when He places me in such situations. I am praying His Spirit might work in me so I might not be jealous but rather joyful, that I might be rejoicing rather than resenting…and I might willingly submit myself to serve the LORD however and wherever the He commands. I am praying my joy might be complete as I see others increase as I decrease.

As I was in my car today, I drove near the workplace of a friend who works because she has to; she would relish to be in my position. I don’t have to work outside the home; my husband has been so gracious and generous to me, and our God has been so gracious and generous to us in providing for all our needs and far beyond that. So as I considered that, God hit me with His divine 2 x 4, and I began to come to my senses and cry out (once again):

So what else would I rather be doing with my time than studying and teaching and blogging the Word of God and praying for revival?
What else is more wonderful?
Who else is more wonderful than You, Lord?
Don’t let me squander this opportunity You’ve given me!
Don’t let me waste my life!
Help me to finish well like Moses did!

These things have been weighing on my mind because of an account I recently read of Martyn Lloyd-Jones’ (ML-J) last days. This is in part what led to write the following in my last update:

I also have some things I’ve been contemplating about ministry which at first I found daunting, but God has allowed me to settle in and trust Him in those and ponder them in my heart for the time being and trust Him to show me what I need to know when I need to know it and to know that He never gives us more than He equips us to do.

Here’s Iain Murray writing of a conversation he had with ML-J less than a month before his death (“The Fight of Faith,” 773):

I scarcely ever recall ML-J drawing any parallel between his own ministry and that of any Christian figure of a past age. But one parallel which he did draw in conversation on February 5, 1981 is a striking illustration of what was uppermost in his heart. ‘I feel in many way,’ he said, ‘like Griffith Jones of  Llanddowror.’ The man to whom he hoped to possess a resemblance was a little-remembered figure, born in Carmarthenshire in 1683 and significant not so much for what he achieved as for what he did in preparing the way for others. Griffith Jones was ‘the morning star’ of the great awakening of the eighteenth century in Wales, the forerunner of the better-known men who were to follow. The comparison tells us a great deal. Dr Lloyd-Jones had yearned for something in his own day which, when he spoke these words, he knew he was not going to be permitted to see. But his mind was not on the question of how posterity would remember him, it was on the success of the gospel. I responded, ‘As you have often said, God’s calendar is not ours’, but, only half-hearing me, he went on: ‘I never thought it was going to take so long. I thought I was going to see great revival but I am not complaining. It wasn’t God’s time and this preparatory work had to be done.’ If he could die believing that he had been permitted to do something to prepare the way for better men and greater days, that was enough.

I read these words and started to weep. I’ve only had a burden for revival for just over a year and I’m already impatient…yet the Doctor had such a burden for years. As I read and listen to his sermons on revival, I sometimes cry; he’d even seen some revival in his first pastorate in Wales during the early 1930′s, but then nothing after that on any large scale, but he longed for more since he’d experienced first-hand in that congregation and in his own life. He was so burdened to see revival come to the Church because he saw the ruins. God has opened my eyes to those ruins and I am now burdened to see revival come in much the same way.

Like ML-J I am yearning for something because I’ve had a taste of it in my own life and have seen that in the lives of a few others. I don’t yet know if I’ll see wide scale revival in my lifetime. I’m over fifty now; I don’t know how many years I have left here, I don’t know when or if the Lord might choose to come down from on high with power to revive the Church. I don’t know when He might return to take us home. But I do know (and I’ve already known this deep down for a while now) that part of my ministry is a preparation ministry. When I read those words, they were hard for me to swallow because that was a reminder to me that I must have the grace to step aside and commission the Joshuas who are younger to take up the work, and I may very well not be allowed to cross over Jordan.

We see the account of Moses’ conversation with the LORD in Deuteronomy 3:23-36…Moses knew God was great and mighty, so he prayed he might be able to cross over Jordan.

26  But the LORD was angry with me because of you and would not listen to me. And the LORD said to me, ‘Enough from you; do not speak to me of this matter again. 27  Go up to the top of Pisgah and lift up your eyes westward and northward and southward and eastward, and look at it with your eyes, for you shall not go over this Jordan. 28  But charge Joshua, and encourage and strengthen him, for he shall go over at the head of this people, and he shall put them in possession of the land that you shall see.’

That’s serious stuff. The LORD was clear there.

I can’t ever demand I get to cross over Jordan, but only trust God’s goodness to me and to know He will not withhold from me anything good. If it is good for me to cross over Jordan, to see revival in my lifetime, I will see it.

My first concern must be with the glory of God and the success of the Gospel.

I will say that I know there are some Joshuas out there, and I get teary-eyed now as I think of them and mention that now. I am praying for many young people who don’t even know I’m praying for them. I don’t know what will come out of that, but as God directs me, I’m continuing to pray for them. I thank God for those young men and women, and I pray God give me the grace to minister with perseverance until my final breath, knowing full well I am doing preparatory work for the Lord to come. May God give me the grace to persevere, to plant and water the seeds God gives me, even though I may not see much of the harvest in this lifetime. Yes, I confess that I would love to see wide-spread revival, I would love to go over the Jordan into the promised land, but if that is not the Lord’s will for me, may I persevere in obedience until the very end, like Moses. So long as the LORD gives me breath may I cry out:

Isaiah 40
3  …“In the wilderness prepare the way of the LORD;
make straight in the desert a highway for our God.
4  Every valley shall be lifted up,
and every mountain and hill be made low;
the uneven ground shall become level,
and the rough places a plain.
5  And the glory of the LORD shall be revealed,
and all flesh shall see it together,
for the mouth of the LORD has spoken.”

May it be said of me:
 

Karen did as the LORD commanded.

May it be said of all of us:

We did as the LORD commanded.

If I can die believing that I have been permitted to do something to prepare the way for better men and greater days, may that be enough for me!

Dear friends in Christ,

Thank you to all of you who have been praying for me. (See my last update/prayer requests.)

I thank God that He has refreshed my soul. He has done that in numerous ways.

I had wonderful worship w/ some old friends over the weekend and then fellowship with some friends from our old church.

I’ve picked up in reading Iain Murray’s “Revival and Revivalism,” as well as rereading “George Whitefield’s Journals.” As soon as you begin to read things like that, your mind gets set once again on heavenly things and things of earth grow strangely dim. That has renewed and refueled my vision and passion to pray for revival and to continue to blog meaty stuff here.

I’ve continued to be blessed by the study of John in our BSF class. I only returned there in March and I am amazed (though shouldn’t really be) at how God is showing me so much new in those last chapters in John.

I love being outside and we have had a wonderful spring here, probably one of the earliest and nicest since I moved here in 1981. Walking and just sitting and reading/praying/contemplating/listening to music is a tonic to my soul. This is one of my favorite spots where I like to sit. It’s in a park about a mile from home. I walked there today… 

This second picture is a photo not from that same park, but from the UW-Arboretum…

I realized once again today how I must make time to worship with music daily. Though I listen to music a lot of the time, I must take time to really focus on the words and on the Lord and worship, just worship, rather than multi-task.

Finally, if you have unconfessed sin or are struggling with sin, you cannot have the joy of the Lord He intends. But once you recognize that sin and confess it and begin to do battle, the joy begins to flow. I had some sins and fears to deal with and God has helped me to come through those. (I’ve written about some of that here, here, here and here.) Once again I was dealing with my lust for public praise and needing to make war with that. I also have some things I’ve been contemplating about ministry which at first I found daunting, but God has allowed me to settle in and trust Him in those and ponder them in my heart for the time being and trust Him to show me what I need to know when I need to know it and to know that He never gives us more than He equips us to do.

I find it quite ironic that later on the same day I posted about making war on my desire for public recognition, TheologiansCafe rec’d my post Praying for Revelife (and your own blog). (I’d pulsed a link to that post earlier in the evening due to some concerns a fellow sister in Christ was having w/ Revelife; she rec’d it and TheoDan saw it and the rest is history…)

So, please, please, my friends, hit me over the head when I start to babble some sort of nonsense about recognition, etc., etc. (Or at least pray for me! Then hit me!) Recognition comes with its own headaches…I found that out again this time around, plus I thought I’d already learned my lesson last fall with the Revelife-Calvinism flap. *sigh* No different that James and John, am I?

As much as I am joking here, I do know this is an ongoing struggle for me. And I hate it. So I am trusting God will help me to glory in Him and rejoice in Him more and more and not to concern myself about the rest (Psalm 131). God is never going to bless my writing if I have mixed motives. I very much appreciate your prayers. I do know that over the past few days God has given me some sweet unexpected fruit of behind-the-scenes ministry to single souls. There is so much joy there! To see a single sheep lifted up by my words is so, so wonderful! There is way, way more joy in that than having 99 people visit one of my posts.

In addition to the requests I gave previously, tonight I’m asking you to pray for clear leading in my blogging on my naphtali_deer site. I will tell you that I have about 100 private posts there. Some of them will always stay private and some of them were already converted into public posts, but a vast majority are posts I’d begun at one time or another and put aside intending to post publicly eventually. It seems that with every day, I have ideas for at least a couple more blogs as well. Needless to say, this can be overwhelming at times. I really need ears to hear God’s voice so I might know what to post about on a particular day. I don’t want to be driven by the calendar or what I’m reading in Xanga/Revelife community or what’s happening there, and yet there are times I should be writing to do so.

Here are a few things I would like to write about and/or are in the queue:

Anyhow, there’s some of the list. I’m putting them down here, so I might actually remember…

Perhaps there’s something else God might have for me. I’m trusting He would show me that.

There are also some things I’d like to post here re: my vision for this site. I hope to do that soon, D.V.

If you have prayer requests you would like to share publicly here, please feel free to do so; otherwise, you can message them to me. My prayer is that we might encourage one another by our words here as well as uphold each other in prayer. Thank you for your friendship and fellowship in Christ.

Yours in Christ,
Karen