impatience

  • update & praise 8/14/2011: Delighted ~ like those who dream!

    Over the past couple years, God has on me on a journey to prayer. I described it in this post:

    A few years back, the Lord had been trying to get my attention about my need to pray, and, well, I knew that in my head of course, since we all pretty much know we should be praying from the time we become Christians. And, as most of us have done at one time or another, I’d made resolutions to pray, but it took God repeatedly showing me (hammering me) over and over and over again about my total depravity, my total insufficiency and my total inability to do anything apart from Him. That included a lot of failures, frustrations, humiliation and tears. Until we come to the end of ourselves, we don’t see the necessity of prayer and of our need to seek Him. So long as we can get by pretty well on our own, we won’t get down on our knees in humble dependence and cry out to Him for living water and daily bread and His Holy Spirit. Thank God for His sovereign hand at work in drawing me to Himself through his loving Fatherly discipline.

    So now, after all that time, the Holy Spirit has been softening my hard heart sufficiently so those seeds are finally beginning to sprout a bit, so I might really begin to understand in small measure the utter necessity of prayer and seek out time to spend with God in prayer. This calling to prayer intensified early in 2009 (I wrote about it here, and that was why I started up tent of meeting, my other website devoted to prayer for revival). And it has further intensified and expanded since that time. In short, God has been giving me more of a passion to be praying for and encouraging workers to be sent into the harvest and praying for His Gospel to go to all the nations; I’ve alluded to that in a few posts on naphtali_deer, my other blog (e.g. – see here and here). I’m not exactly sure where all of that is going in my life, but I am finally seeing that the Gospel going to the nations is for our joy, for the joy of the nations and for God’s joy and is part of God’s glorious plan to exalt Himself. About a week ago, I stood outside and looked up into heaven and said something like, “God, why did it take me so long to get this?!” I cry now as I consider this. I mean, I’ve been a Christian for almost 28 years now. Of course, I knew we should be supporting missions, I knew the Biblical teaching that God had a plan to save some from every tribe, every language, every people and every nation (e.g. – Rev. 5), but only when God and the mission of God got a hold of my heart did I really begin to see. (Not that I see all yet today, I know that…) As I’ve mentioned, I am a slow learner, but thanks be to God, He is persevering and longsuffering with hard-hearted and stubborn sinners like me and His mercies and kindnesses will follow us and pursue us and His Holy Spirit will lead us into all truth and will lead us in the way we should go. This is one reason I am so passionate about young people not wasting their lives. I wasted much of mine. I was lukewarm for too long. One minute of lukewarmness is too long! Thanks be to God, He has been gracious to me and has been working to restore the years the locusts of my self-absorption and spiritual dullness had eaten up.

    I confess that I continue to fumble and slip and slide as I seek to go up to meet with Him on His holy mountain, but I know there is grace abounding for sinners like me there and He never casts out those who come to Him, He never despises those who are humble and seeking to worship Him in Spirit and in truth. I love to spend time with Him. And I know He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. He has also begun to show me that If we are not asking hard things of Him, we are insulting Him and limiting Him. Also, if we are not persevering in prayer, we do not show we consider Him precious enough to spend time with Him and we think we are adequate apart from His resources. These are just a few scattered thoughts here. My heart is full of Him. He is faithful to hear and to save. And He is calling us to watch in prayer with Him so we will not grow faint. To whom else can we go? He has the words of eternal life. He is our life!

    Along with that, I’ve been seeking out like-minded believers locally with a heart for prayer, and I wrote this challenge to you (and myself) on May 14, 2010:

    As I said when I started up deerlife, my intent here is to encourage us to encourage one another as we blog/comment here, but also to go out into our local communities and churches and work there. I truly value the friendships and fellowship I have found here. I have been truly blessed. More than I could have imagined. I am not ready to discard what we have here, nor do I believe God intends for us to discard it at this time. I also believe there are others God wants to draw into this cluster here along with us. (I would appreciate your continuing to pray that God would draw those He wills to come alongside us, those who have a desire to see God glorified and magnified in His Church.)

    From the time I started up tent of meeting, I’ve had in the back of my mind to challenge those of you out there to begin praying that God might bring you to like-minded men and women in your own churches and cities and begin to meet with them on a regular basis to pray for revival for we know that God does have some secret ones in all places, who tremble at His Word. (I’ve already been doing this for myself to some extent.) I’ve held off on publicly announcing that since I didn’t want to go ahead of God, but I believe I He’s leading me to give you that challenge today. I do know He is calling me to more concerted prayer for myself in that regard.

    I know I won’t do it justice at all, but a few Scriptures come to mind to describe the work God has been doing as of late:

    Exceedingly…
    Exceedingly abundantly…
    Exceedingly abundantly above…
    Exceedingly abundantly above all…
    That I could have asked or thought…
    (from Ephesians 3)

    In His wonderful workings, God has been raising up a handful of like-minded men and women in our local church with a burden to pray.

    Another Scripture that has continued to come to mind is Psalm 110:

    1  The LORD says to my Lord:
    “Sit at my right hand,
    until I make your enemies your footstool.”

    2  The LORD sends forth from Zion
    your mighty scepter.
    Rule in the midst of your enemies!

    3  Your people will offer themselves freely
    on the day of your power
    in holy garments;
    from the womb of the morning,
    the dew of your youth will be yours.

    Yes, the LORD will subdue His enemies, but by His electing and persevering love, He also subdues His friends! Your people will offer themselves freely on the day of your power! God transforms and conforms His children into the image of Christ, so we might walk in the works He’s ordained for us. That we might do things we once had no desire at all for! It is God who works in us through His Holy Spirit so we might desire and do His good pleasure, so we might say along with our Lord, “Not my will, but Yours, be done.” Through the working of His power, we are made willing to do His will! Paul wrote about that constraining love in II Corinthians 5, God’s love compelling and impelling us and pressing in upon us. He changes our desires – and first and foremost God becomes our chief desire, the pearl of great price, the all-surpassing treasure for which we would really sell all. We are His friends if we do what He commands, but His commandments are not burdensome to us for we are given His Spirit – as Augustine wrote, “Give, O Lord, what Thou commandest, and then command what Thou wilt.” Amen. Buried with Christ and raised by the power of God to walk in newness of life!

    Our flesh does continue to fight God each and every step of the way, there’s a constant battle, but in His grace, God’s Spirit continues to strive with us. Nothing good dwells in our own flesh. Therefore, left to our own devices and our own abilities, we can’t make ourselves willing, we can’t make ourselves do anything – no matter how much we might try. We know the many resolutions we’ve made to do things, and we fail time and time again, but in the day of Christ’s resurrection power, God works in us to make us willing! God gives sufficient grace so we might turn away from our selfish, worldly desires and turn to God and bow to Him as Lord, so that the mighty scepter is not an oppressive, heavy burden, not a loveless dictatorship, but a light and easy yoke, a welcome Lordship and absolute sovereign rule. We serve a loving and gracious and wonderful Master! He opens our eyes to see that anytime we revolt and removing ourself from His Kingship and His Kingdom authority and go back to our own way is the way of death, misery, heaviness, and vanity – a trip back to the pig sty –– while in contrast, Christ’s way of obedience is the way of life and joy and peace and fruitfulness and fulfillment – truly a feast in our Father’s house! All that He has IS ours! First and foremost, all that He is IS ours! Hallelujah!

    I keep saying I am delighted at what I’m seeing God doing (and I am trusting this is just the firstfruits we are privileged to be tasting!), but delighted is really an understatement. I’m trying to express that which is all but inexpressible…

    I am delighted because…

    I know the many, many years it took for me to begin to learn the necessity of prayer (I emphasize there begin, since I feel I am still a tyro), and with my fleshly impetuousness and impatience came many, many tears and stings and griefs and heartaches and heartbreaks. But now to see where it was all leading brings me great joy and humbles me and reminds me that God is always working all things for my good and His discipline is always for my profit for His glory. Job 5:17 Behold, blessed is the one whom God reproves; therefore despise not the discipline of the Almighty. 18 For he wounds, but he binds up; he shatters, but his hands heal.19 He will deliver you from six troubles; in seven no evil shall touch you.

    I know my lack of faithfulness in prayer, so it reminds me that God’s goodnesses to His people are all of His mercy, all of His grace and all to His glory alone. He gives us every good and perfect gift not because we are good and perfect – for we are far from being either! He alone is good and He alone is perfect! He does all things well!  Daniel 9:8 To us, O Lord, belongs open shame, to our kings, to our princes, and to our fathers, because we have sinned against you. 9 To the Lord our God belong mercy and forgiveness, for we have rebelled against him 10  and have not obeyed the voice of the LORD our God by walking in his laws, which he set before us by his servants the prophets.

    I know how God has continued to encourage me over and over and over again in spite of not seeing, in spite of temptations, darkness, depression and despair, to hope against hope –– to keep believing and pressing on in prayer, albeit quite weakly at times. I confess I have been all but ready to give up many times, but the mustard seed of faith was never lost, all so I might persevere in prayer. Psalm 62:5  For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. 6 He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. 7 On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. 8 Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Selah

    I know God alone kept me steadfast. He is faithful when we are not. My faithfulness is as the morning cloud. I am prone to wander! He continues to sustain me and grace me with a glimmer of His face shining through the lattice just at the break of dawn! Song of Solomon 2:8 The voice of my beloved! Behold, he comes, leaping over the mountains, bounding over the hills.

    I know how as much as I wanted to make something happen, as much as my flesh wanted to act and to jump ahead, as much as I wanted to maneuver and manipulate, God prevented me, so He alone might get all the praise, honor and glory! To sit back, wait on Him and see it all unfold has been a marvelous thing to watch! Isaiah 65:23 They shall not labor in vain or bear children for calamity, for they shall be the offspring of the blessed of the LORD, and their descendants with them. 24 Before they call I will answer; while they are yet speaking I will hear.

    (I know most of those things do overlap. ;) )

    I feel very much in a dream, much like the Psalmist who wrote Psalm 126:

    1  When the LORD restored the fortunes of Zion,
    we were like those who dream.
    2  Then our mouth was filled with laughter,
    and our tongue with shouts of joy;
    then they said among the nations,
    “The LORD has done great things for them.”
    3  The LORD has done great things for us;
    we are glad.
    4  Restore our fortunes, O LORD,
    like streams in the Negeb!
    5  Those who sow in tears
    shall reap with shouts of joy!
    6  He who goes out weeping,
    bearing the seed for sowing,
    shall come home with shouts of joy,
    bringing his sheaves with him.

    (Hmm… I don’t really need a reason to post a Charlie Hall song, but this is one of my favorite songs. :) )

    And yet with all I have been seeing as of late, though I am certainly delighted with all of this, as I’ve reflected on God’s goodnesses to our congregation and to me in His workings that have now become evident over the past few weeks (and to note here: His workings at this church which have gone back years  and years before I got there!), nothing at all compares with the delight God Himself brings me! May I never become an adulterer and enjoy God’s gifts and enjoy ministry for God more than God Himself!

    Song of Solomon 2
    3  As an apple tree among the trees of the forest,
    so is my beloved among the young men.
    With great delight I sat in his shadow,
    and his fruit was sweet to my taste,
    4  He brought me to the banqueting house,
    and his banner over me was love.

    We are in a spiritual battle. I know the little foxes have been afoot and the lion is prowling; I have felt this keenly over the past couple weeks, but I am trusting that the God who has begun this work in us, the God who has made us willing in the day of His power, will bring it to completion to His praise, honor and glory!

    Psalm 99
    1  The LORD reigns; let the peoples tremble!
    He sits enthroned upon the cherubim; let the earth quake!
    2  The LORD is great in Zion;
    he is exalted over all the peoples.
    3  Let them praise your great and awesome name!
    Holy is he!

  • His sweetness in the great fish | update 3/16/2011

     
    Previously I’d written that I felt like Jonah, put into a time of waiting over the past several months.

    On and off over the past several years, not just the last several months, I’ve felt like I’ve been in a great fish . . . much of that time was God’s loving discipline to me because of my own sinfulness and impetuousness, impatience, my stubbornness and unwillingness to trust and yield to Him in our last church.

    Jonah 2:3  For you cast me into the deep,
    into the heart of the seas,
    and the flood surrounded me;
    all your waves and your billows
    passed over me…



    10  And the LORD spoke to the fish, and it vomited Jonah out upon the dry land.


    And now, in God’s ordained way and time, like Jonah, I too am now being vomited out of the fish . . .

    I really do want to give you more of an update what God has been doing, but I have to say it really pales in comparison to His continuing persevering lovingkindness and mercies that followed me ALL the days of life, including all those days when I doubted and despaired, even those days when I questioned and shook my fist and my head at His workings.

    Psalm 23:6  (paraphrased)
    SURELY
    goodness and mercy
    HAS FOLLOWED me
    ALL the days of my life,
    EVERY MOMENT
    in the deep,
    in the seas,
    in the flood,
    in the waves,
    in the billows,
    EVERY MOMENT
    in the belly of the great fish…
    where even there
    EVERY MOMENT
    I dwelt in the house of the LORD,
    for all who are His dwell in His house forever!

    For where could I have gone that He did not go with me?
    (See Psalm 139:7-12)

    Isaiah 52:12b
    for the LORD will go before you,
    and the God of Israel will be your rear guard.

    I keep finding my heart drawn out in love to God in the past couple days for all He has done in light of the wilderness journey He has had me on for several years. “Drawn out” is the only phrase I have for it. I can’t express it. I never used that word before in regard to my experiential understanding of the love of God for me in Jesus Christ.

    My hopes and dreams were broken and shattered.
    I was broken and shattered.
    I felt put to shame on many occasions.

    And yet . . .

    Isaiah 49:23 those who wait for me shall not be put to shame…

    Job 5:18  For he wounds, but he binds up;
    he shatters, but his hands heal.

    Those moments
    in the deep,
    in the seas,
    in the flood,
    in the waves,
    in the billows
    in the belly of the great fish…

    No, *I* would not have chosen them,
    but in His loving wisdom to me,
    my loving heavenly Father chose them for me
    because I am His chosen child
    and He loves me.

    Hebrews 12:6
    For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
    and chastises every son whom he receives.

    We cannot say we really know the love of God if we do not know and accept His discipline.
    (Every son – every one He loves – no exceptions!)

    Job 5:17  Behold, blessed is the one whom God reproves;
    therefore despise not the discipline of the Almighty.
    18  For he wounds, but he binds up;
    he shatters, but his hands heal.

    We cannot say we know the blessing of God if we do not know the reproof of God.
    We cannot say we know the binding and healing of God if we do not know the wounding and shattering of God.

    Because of His discipline toward me, I count Him as more precious.

    God’s refining work in His servants is as important as our work done as His servants.
    (I will even say it is even more important.)

    For how many words I usually have, how can I express or speak of His inexpressible, unspeakable Gift!

    God cast me into the deep . . . so I might begin to know the deep things of God!

    God cast me into the heart of the seas . . . so I might begin to know the heart of His love for me in the midst of His discipline!

    God cast me into the flood . . . so I might begin to cry out for Him to pour floods of His Spirit into my thirsty soul!

    God cast me into the waves . . . so I might begin to know His waves of mercy in light of my exceeding sinfulness of sin!

    God cast me into the billows . . . so I might begin to billow forth with songs of thanksgiving and praise to Him!

    Thank God for His persevering grace to His children, to Jonahs like me!

    I am overwhelmed at God’s continuing goodnesses to me in light of my continuing stubbornness and unbelief, and so I acknowledge here that IN ALL OF THAT TIME IN THE FISH, FOR EVERY MOMENT IN THE FISH WAS FOR MY GOOD AND HIS GLORY!

    Psalm 119
    65  You have dealt well with your servant,
    O LORD, according to your word.
    66  Teach me good judgment and knowledge,
    for I believe in your commandments.
    67  Before I was afflicted I went astray,
    but now I keep your word.
    68  You are good and do good;
    teach me your statutes.
    69  The insolent smear me with lies,
    but with my whole heart I keep your precepts;
    70  their heart is unfeeling like fat,
    but I delight in your law.
    71  It is good for me that I was afflicted,
    that I might learn your statutes.
    72  The law of your mouth is better to me
    than thousands of gold and silver pieces.

    In my Bible next to Hebrews 11:6, “He is a rewarder to those who diligently seek Him,” a few years back I had written:

    “The rewards are bittersweet.”

    This morning I woke up thinking of the time I’d written that, but then I was rebuked and all but shouted out, “No, no! The rewards are NOT bittersweet – the rewards are sweet! Wholly sweet!” As the Psalmist said, God is good and does good! When is there a time that God is not good? When is there a time that God does not do good? Oh, yes, it seemed bittersweet to me at times (it is true that the discipline of the Lord often seems grievous and painful to us, rather than pleasant), and I confess there are times it even in retrospect it still does seem to be, but know this: our God can give His children NOTHING BUT SWEETNESS. Nothing but sweetness! For Jesus Christ IS nothing but sweetness to us! Hallelujah!

    Song of Solomon 2
    3  As an apple tree among the trees of the forest,
    so is my beloved among the young men.
    With great delight I sat in his shadow,
    and his fruit was sweet to my taste,
    4  He brought me to the banqueting house,
    and his banner over me was love.

    Was there a day, or even a moment, when His banner over me was not love? No, there was not!
    That banner of love includes our Father’s discipline.

    I confess there were times I did not sit with great delight in that chastening time in the great fish! I hope and pray that as I am disciplined in the future (for I certainly will be!), that by God’s grace I will be able to sit with great delight there and be able to taste that His fruit is sweet to me even there and be assured that His banner over me continues to be love – from henceforth and forevermore! He has loved His children with an everlasting love! We were loved in Christ Jesus before time began! God’s discipline is not separating us FROM His love, it is drawing us INTO a greater experiential understanding of His love – to eat of His sweet fruit! Hallelujah! I hope and pray all of you who are Christ’s are enabled to come into a greater understanding of God’s love for you through His discipline toward you.

    Job 5:17  Behold, blessed is the one whom God reproves;
    therefore despise not the discipline of the Almighty.

    Hebrews 12:5 “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
    nor be weary when reproved by him.
    6  For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
    and chastises every son whom he receives.”

  • And the LORD appointed a great fish | Update 2/23/2011

     

    Jonah 1:17  And the LORD appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.

    I feel I’ve been in a great fish for a few months now.

    To explain . . .

    I’ve written previously (first mentioned at the end of this post and my last update), it seemed a door was opening at our local church last fall regarding women’s ministry, but things haven’t progressed quite as I expected: it hasn’t opened in the time and the way I’d been expecting. . . . A humbling reminder that God is God and I am NOT….

    And so, you may ask, why the reference to Jonah?

    First off, our pastor has been preaching on Jonah, and as he preached on this verse recently it was a stark reminder to me that I’ve been in a waiting time like Jonah.

    Jonah ended up in the great fish because he flat-out disregarded and disobeyed God’s clear command to rise and go to Nineveh. Jonah hightailed it in completely the opposite direction to God’s will – on a ship to Tarshish.

    On the other hand, I’ve ended up in this great fish, well, I’m not quite sure why, though I do believe I have been and am still headed in the way of God’s will. No, of course, I’m not saying I’ve done everything perfectly…

    But God brings great fish to swallow His people for His purposes. Great fish never swallow us by accident. They are always appointed by the LORD.

    So right now I am trying to appreciate the loving hand of my Father’s discipline in bringing me here, and His sovereignty in this time of waiting in the great fish.

    God has a reason for this delay, and I don’t pretend to know His plans in all this. He alone knows the end from the beginning.

    What I do know . . .

    I do know there have been times that I’ve been tempted to move forward and to try to push myself out of the fish’s belly, but His grace has restrained me. Thank God!

    I also know there have been times when I’ve been tempted to doubt God’s calling and second-guess things. This has to do with being haunted by my demons of my past sin, past failures, impulsivity and impetuousness, looking back and seeing how things turned out wretchedly in the past, and as a result I’ve been tempted to be paralyzed and shrink back in unbelief and doubt and uncertainty and confusion.

    Having learned a little from my past experiences of chastening, I do know that moving ahead of God’s timing, trying to push myself out of that fish’s belly a minute too soon is NEVER a good thing. Too often in the past I have acted out of my own flesh and my own impulsivity, rather than out of His Spirit and His love compelling me. But I also do need to do follow through in obedience to what He is calling me to do, including my time while I am in this fish – in this time of waiting. I can see how some of my past failures have led to some overcompensation now, i.e. – some hesitancy and doubt rising from my flesh, rather than my moving forward in faith as I ought to be doing. I need wisdom to know what is of my flesh and of His Spirit, and would appreciate your prayers for discernment for me in this.

    Job 5:17 has been in my thoughts for several days now. Here’s the KJV:

    Behold, happy is the man whom God correcteth: therefore despise not thou the chastening of the Almighty…

    I want to be happy in this fish. I want to be happy in this waiting.

    Behold, happy!

    Yes, that’s HAPPY. This is really an Old Testament beatitude – for the word “happy” can also be translated “blessed.”

    Behold, happy is the man whom God correcteth: therefore despise not thou the chastening of the Almighty…

    How can this be? How can we be happy when corrected?

    Well, basically, if we are the children of God, we should be able to be happy no matter where we are – and not despise it – and that includes every day we sit in the great fish’s belly – every time we are corrected or chastened or being trained in some way – because we have full assurance our God is our loving Father and He is with us there – and in fact, He has superintended all the circumstances that led to us being there (yes, even our sinfulness and stupidity) and all of it is purposed by Him to work for our good and profit and refining and fruitfulness (see Hebrews 12) and that all our trials are ordained only if necessary (I Peter 1).

    I do not want to despise this ordained chastening time in this fish. I want to be happy here in the waiting.

    I confess I’d become frustrated and grumbling and distressed and hopeless and impatient and doubting and not happy and not joyful here in the belly of this fish, and I knew it. (See my post here.) And I could see that that attitude made me feel even less happy and less joyful, for I knew I had no good excuse to act that way. So I knew I had to once again entrust myself once more to my Father in heaven. He helped me to begin to ask Him for faith and patience and to trust that His loving hand has put me here and He will not leave me here any longer than is necessary.

    Now, regarding what I should be doing while I am still in this fish. . .

    One thing I’ve been wanting to do for a little while now, and one thing I know I should be doing, is to write out a short description of the vision of the type of group I would like to see at our church (you’ll get a little flavor of that here).

    In short, I am seeking others who are concerned about their souls. Psalm 66 is one passage that keeps coming to my mind, particularly verse 16:

    16  Come and hear, all you who fear God,
    and I will tell what he has done for my soul.

    I am seeking people who want to speak with others about what God has done for their souls. God’s first concern is our souls, and this must be our first concern as well.

    There is no true and living and life-giving Christianity if the soul is left out of the picture. Too much of what masquerades as Christianity today is about any and all things but the soul.

    Henry Scougal (1650-1678) called Christianity “the life of God in the soul of man.” We’ve lost that sense too many places. It took me about twenty-five years of being a Christian to begin to understand that. I say begin . . . for I don’t really understand it much – but if we don’t see Christianity as a life, if we don’t see Christianity as a religion of the soul, then we are greatly misguided and being deceived and missing out on the life that Jesus Christ wants to impart to all who believe through His Holy Spirit.

    I’m hoping to post more of my thoughts on this, but I’ve not been able to concentrate well enough to get them down in writing, though I have places I’ve scribbled down some things and I have been pondering them in my head for a while now, which leads to a prayer request. I would appreciate prayer so I might have focus to write some of these things down, so I can communicate more effectively the passion and vision God has been putting on my heart with the leadership and others at our church. And please pray that I would be happy as I am corrected by the Lord and not despise His chastening.

    I thank God for each of you. Please let me know how I can be praying for you (either in a comment below and/or by private message) – particularly how I might pray for you in your calling to your local church.

    May God’s Spirit stir up in His people a relentless passion for the name and renown of Jesus Christ.

    Yours in Christ for His glory in the Church,
    Karen