This morning (and actually over the past several weeks now), I was struggling with what God was doing and I was struggling with persevering (e.g. – see also here, here, here, here and here.) Once again I began wondering if my time was done. I had no desire to write, no desire to do much of anything, for that matter. I had nothing more to give. I had nothing. I even got to the point where I considered shutting down my blogs and going into a hole somewhere. I wondered if God was done with me, for I do know it is true that He does have certain seasons of ministry for certain people. I had reached just about the lowest depths of unbelief…yet not too low to call out to Him once more:
Are You not a fountain? (let a drop fall here for me)
Are You not a fountain?
my soul is thirsting
panting
yearning
I’m dying
You’ve promised
living water
(haven’t You?)
where is that living water?
where are You?
I’ve got nothing to draw with
I’ve got nothing
asking You here for but a drop
a single drop
Are You not a fountain?
Are You not my Father?
Am I not Your child?
be merciful to me
for Jesus’ sake
let a drop fall here for me
a single drop
You are my Father
You Son opened the way into the holy of holies
He told me to ask You for my daily bread
Can I not also ask for my daily drink?
be merciful to me
for Jesus’ sake
if You poured out His blood for me on Calvary
will You not let a drop fall here for me today
a single drop
let a drop fall here for me
do not forsake me, O my God
Lead me to your living waters
wipe away my thirst
Are You not a fountain?
my soul is weeping
tossing
churning
I’m crying
You’re promised
still waters
(haven’t You?)
where are those still waters?
where are You?
I’ve got nothing to draw with
I’ve got nothing
asking You here for but a drop
a single drop
Are You not a fountain?
Are You not my Father?
Am I not Your child?
be merciful to me
for Jesus’ sake
let a drop fall here for me
a single drop
You are my Father
You Son opened the way into the holy of holies
He told me to ask You for my daily bread
Can I not also ask for my daily drink?
be merciful to me
for Jesus’ sake
if You poured out His blood for me on Calvary
will You not let a drop fall here for me today
a single drop
let a drop fall here for me
do not forsake me, O my God
Lead me to Your still waters
wipe away my tears
After that I tried (in vain) to take hold of His promises, to regain my footing, to recapture the vision. I finally laid my head down on the table and rested (fitfully).
A while later I got out some lunch and pulled off the printer a couple articles I’d printed out last night from Reformation and Revival Fellowship, which I’d been intending to read for a few days now. The first article was “Revival in William Williams’ Time” by Eifion Evans, which included a short excerpt from William Williams’ book, “The Experience Meeting: An Introduction to the Welsh Societies of the Evangelical Awakening” which I first read last December and have been meaning to begin rereading…
As soon as I started reading the article, I went back to the bedroom and snatched up my copy of Williams’ book and read the greater context of the excerpt:
This is the way the Lord worked in that part of the world. One time, there were just a few of us, professing believers, gathered together, cold and unbelievably dead, in a meeting which we called a special service, so discouraged as to doubt whether we should ever meet again, some who were usually absent from every meeting, some in a deadly apathy, with nothing to say of God nor of their own souls, some given over to the world and its cares, some backslidden completely from all the means of grace and the ordinances of the gospel, some given over to the flesh and its lusts, as in the days of Noah––seeking a wife, seeking a husband, marrying and giving in marriage––and I myself well nigh disheartened and thinking often of coming to live in warmer spiritual climes, and moving my tent from Ur of the Chaldees nearer to the borders of the Promised Land. But, even though all things were as I have described them––the world, the flesh and Satan victorious––these special services were yet conducted in an incredibly lifeless manner. There was no encouragement for anyone to carry on the work, save only the promise of God, that wherever two or three coming together in His name, if their purpose were right, however lifeless their present state, He would come to them and bless them. This alone had made us come together to pray; but our prayers were not much more than groans.
But at last, forced by cowardice, unbelief and the onslaughts of Satan, we resolved to give up our special meeting: and now we were about to offer a final prayer, fully intending never again to meet thus in fellowship. But it is when man reaches the lowest depths of unbelief that God imparts faith, and when man has failed, then God reveals Himself. So here, with us in such dire straits, on the brink of despair, with the door shut on every hope of success, God Himself entered into our midst, and the light of day from on high dawned upon us; for one of the brethren––yes, the most timid of us all, the one who was strongest in his belief that God would never visit us–– while in prayer, was stirred in his spirit and laid hold powerfully on heaven, as one who would never let go. His tongue spoke unusual words, his voice was raised, his spirit was aflame, he pleaded, he cried to God, he struggled, he wrestled in earnest, like Jacob, in the agony of his soul. The fire took hold of others––all were awakened, the coldest to the most heedless took hold and were warmed; into the battle, with him we laid hold upon God, His attributes, His Word and His promises, resolving that we would never let go on our hold until all our desire should be satisfied.
And this came to pass, for there fell upon us the sweet breath of the love of the Lord. We were filled as if with the fulness of the bowls and the horns of the altar––the fire was kindled and we gave voice with our tongues. The cloud melted away, the sun shone, we drank of the fruit of the vines of the promised land, and we were made to rejoice. Gone was unbelief––gone guilt––gone fear––gone a timid, cowardly spirit, lack of love, envy, suspicion, together with all the poisonous worms that tormented us before; and in their place came love, faith, hope, a joyful spirit, with a glorious multitude of the graces of the Holy Spirit. Up till now the service was only beginning, for prayer, singing, praise and blessing were redoubled, and no one felt like bringing things to an end; and now some were weeping, some praising, some singing, some filled with heavenly laughter, and all full of wonder and love and amazement at the Lord’s work––to my mind like the time of the Apostles, when the Spirit descended from on high on a handful of fearful people, and strengthened them mightily to come out of their secret hiding place into the midst of the streets of Jerusalem, and to declare the Name of the Lord before every tribe, tongue and nation that had gathered together there, from the uttermost parts of the earth. As it was then, so it was here now.
This sound went forth and was spread from parish to parish and from village to village, until innumerable people were carrying around the burning word–men and youths, women and children. Preachers, too, came to us from all parts, having heard at a distance rumours of these workings of God… (8-9)
* * *
cold and unbelievably dead…Yes, that’d be me.
discouraged as to doubt whether we should ever meet again…Yes, that’d be me.
in a deadly apathy, with nothing to say of God nor of their own souls…Yes, that’d be me.
I myself well nigh disheartened…Yes, that’d be me.
the onslaughts of Satan…Yes, that’d be me.
poisonous worms that tormented…Yes, that’d be me.
the lowest depths of unbelief…Yes, that’d be me.
man has failed…Yes, that’d be me.
about to offer a final prayer…Yes, that’d be me.
in such dire straits, on the brink of despair, with the door shut on every hope of success…Yes, that’d be me.
There was no encouragement for anyone to carry on the work…Yes, that’d be me.
I will say that I’ve known these things in great and greater measure over the past several weeks. I’m not exaggerating this.
Doubt after doubt has piled up upon me, much like shovelful upon shovelful of dirt being tossed upon a dead body lying motionless and breathless in a closed casket. Shut in, with no hope of escape. No light. No oxygen. No nothing. Nothing.
Now and again there would be a little glimmer of sunshine. A gasp of wind. A short reprieve.
But then another shovelful of dirt would come.
And then the darkness was darker. The deadness was deader.
And another shovelful.
Even worse.
And so on.
This downward spiral has continued for some time now. Then this morning another shovelful of dirt fell upon me in that casket. I was all but resolved to give up. I wondered if I was supposed to. The dreams – gone. The vision – gone. The hope – gone. The desire – gone. The interest – gone. The faith – gone. The joy – gone. I will say that nothing in particular happened to precipitate this. In fact, I had a wonderful unexpected word of encouragement via a phone call last night.
What I do know is that a cloud has been descending for some time now and earlier today had firmly planted itself … but this was not the heaven-sent bright cloud of Shekinah glory cloud – but rather a dark cloud of doom and despair, which was earthly, sensual and demonic. (And I will say I know a couple of you have spoken to me of similar experiences as well.)
But it is when man reaches the lowest depths of unbelief that God imparts faith, and when man has failed, then God reveals Himself. So here, with us in such dire straits, on the brink of despair, with the door shut on every hope of success, God Himself entered into our midst, and the light of day from on high dawned upon us…
In the lowest depths of my unbelief . . .
God imparted faith…
God revealed Himself…
God Himself entered into my midst, and the light of day from on high dawned upon me…
God answered my desperate prayer. He sweetly sent a drop for me today from that fountain…
That entrance, that drop was in the form of that article which led me to pick up and read Williams’ words and see once again the glorious possibilities God has for us as His children if we persevere in meeting together and seeking His face together.
Isaiah 30
18 Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you,
and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.
For the LORD is a God of justice;
blessed are all those who wait for him.
19 For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. 20 And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. 21 And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. 22 Then you will defile your carved idols overlaid with silver and your gold-plated metal images. You will scatter them as unclean things. You will say to them, “Be gone!”
23 And he will give rain for the seed with which you sow the ground, and bread, the produce of the ground, which will be rich and plenteous. In that day your livestock will graze in large pastures, 24 and the oxen and the donkeys that work the ground will eat seasoned fodder, which has been winnowed with shovel and fork. 25 And on every lofty mountain and every high hill there will be brooks running with water, in the day of the great slaughter, when the towers fall. 26 Moreover, the light of the moon will be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun will be sevenfold, as the light of seven days, in the day when the LORD binds up the brokenness of his people, and heals the wounds inflicted by his blow.
We have got to hold onto the Lord and His promises to us no matter what, no matter how we might feel, no matter what we might see – for we know our Lord never fails to be gracious and merciful to His people:
18 Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you,
and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.
For the LORD is a God of justice;
blessed are all those who wait for him.
19 For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you.
He waits to be gracious.
He exalts Himself to show mercy to us.
He is a God of justice.
We are blessed as we wait for Him.
We shall weep no more.
He will surely be gracious to us at the sound of our cry.
As soon as we cry, He answers us.
As soon as we cry, He answers us…
Yet the answer comes in His time. God’s purpose in waiting is that He might be highly exalted. His answers to our cries are divinely timed and orchestrated for His glory to be displayed in the greatest way possible.
So though the Lord will give us the bread of adversity and the water of affliction for a time . . .
. . . in His time He will give rain for the seed with which we sow the ground, and bread, the produce of the ground, which will be rich and plenteous, etc.
May God give us sufficient grace to wait on Him as He waits to be gracious to us. May He strengthen our grip so we might grab hold of Him and His promises and keep holding on to the hem of His garment. May He strengthen our arms to wrestle with Him until He blesses us. May He open our mouths so we might not keep silent and we might take no rest nor give Him rest. That . . .
we would never let go on our hold until all our desire should be satisfied...
Isaiah 62
1 For Zion’s sake I will not keep silent,
and for Jerusalem’s sake I will not be quiet,
until her righteousness goes forth as brightness,
and her salvation as a burning torch…
6 On your walls, O Jerusalem,
I have set watchmen;
all the day and all the night
they shall never be silent.
You who put the LORD in remembrance,
take no rest,
7 and give him no rest
until he establishes Jerusalem
and makes it a praise in the earth.
(I’d encourage you to read the whole chapter.)
If God has set us as watchmen – to speak to the Lord on behalf of His Church and for the Lord to speak to His Church – we can trust He will work in us to will and to do of His good pleasure and keep us persevering in that work.
One reason I began this blog was because I could see the vital need for us to come together to support one another (please see here and here for more of my thoughts on that). We have got to keep meeting together and holding one another up in prayer as well as praying God would lead us to others locally who are also burdened for the Church – because during those times when even all of us are cold and even all of us are a faint flicker, we can trust that God will rend the heavens and rain down fire to inflame the spirit of one of us so the fire might be kindled, take hold of us and warm the rest of us . . . and then warm others besides us:
while in prayer, was stirred in his spirit and laid hold powerfully on heaven, as one who would never let go. His tongue spoke unusual words, his voice was raised, his spirit was aflame, he pleaded, he cried to God, he struggled, he wrestled in earnest, like Jacob, in the agony of his soul. The fire took hold of others––all were awakened, the coldest to the most heedless took hold and were warmed; into the battle, with him we laid hold upon God, His attributes, His Word and His promises, resolving that we would never let go on our hold until all our desire should be satisfied...
the fire was kindled…The cloud melted away, the sun shone, we drank of the fruit of the vines of the promised land, and we were made to rejoice.
This sound went forth and was spread from parish to parish and from village to village, until innumerable people were carrying around the burning word–men and youths, women and children. Preachers, too, came to us from all parts, having heard at a distance rumours of these workings of God…
Ecclesiastes 4:9 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! 11 Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? 12 And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
I will leave you with a final quote from Williams regarding the formation of such groups of believers to encourage, strengthen and support one another:
A hundred to one against Satan leaving such a flock of sheep in peace without causing some havoc among them––at least tempting them, troubling them and oppressing them, or drawing them into some false pleasure. (11)
Anytime the people of God gather together in His Name for His glory, to be about His business, to contend for the Gospel, the lion is sure to be prowling and seeking an opportune time to harass, taunt, weaken, discourage and divide the flock. Let’s not forsake the assembling together, my brothers and sisters. I thank you for allowing me to share my blessings and burdens with you. I thank you for your prayers for me. I would be privileged to do the same for you.
Yours in Christ, contending with You for the Gospel, seeking His face for revival,
Romans 11:36,
Karen
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